Liebster blogging award

For those of you who frequent this blog, please pardon the capital letters, but I wrote this in Word and I use the auto-caps feature. So much easier than having to capitalize every sentence. Anything to save my fingers when I write. For those of you who are new, I don’t capitalize anything on this blog, also due to the fact that I use auto-caps and have gotten out of the habit. Plus it helps deflate the grammar snob in me.  

Also, this is a long post, but it couldn't be helped...

Lisa Yarde, dear writer friend and fellow self-published author, gifted me with the Liebster Award. (Thank you, Lisa. I have fun with these...) It appears to have been around for a while, so I looked it up. All I could find was that it started in Germany, that Liebster means “dear” or “dearest” in German, and that you pass it on to 3 – 11 bloggers who have anywhere from less than 200 followers to less than 3000 followers. Talk about things evolving on the internet...

As part of the more recent round of Liebster Awards in the blogging world, you have to tell 11 random things about yourself, answer 11 questions from the blogger who gave you the award, make up your own 11 questions, and pass the award on to 11 bloggers who have less than 200 followers. I’m not sure I know that many bloggers with less than 200, but I’ll try. I’m not even sure I know that many bloggers anymore since I’ve been pretty scarce around here in the last few months.

 Here are the answers to what Lisa called “those questions for my fellow writers victims:”

 1.   Who is your favorite writer and why? My very favorite writer is Mary Connealy. Just looking at my library will confirm that. She writes what she calls “Romantic Comedy with Cowboys.” I call it Hysterical Historicals. I think I have nearly every historical romance she’s written since I found Petticoat Ranch. I love her humorous writing style, her sassy heroines, her noble (if sometimes misguided) heroes, and her happy endings.  A close second would have to be Robin Lee Hatcher. I love her historical romances too.

 2. If you had to pick any one spot on a map and move there, where would you go and why? Is there somewhere on earth that looks like Rivendell from the Lord of the Rings movies? Ok. Since there’s not, I want a coastal view where I won’t get hurricanes. And add a forest to that. So maybe that’s the Redwood Forest in northern California?

 3. Who are your top real-life and fictional heroes / heroines? Real heroes -- my husband (the most loving, generous person I know), my kids (just because they’re cool), February Grace (my amazing friend who lives with grace and beauty despite the curves life throws her). The fictional heroes don’t even compare.

 4. How long does it take from first draft to published work? The first one, Eldala, took from November 2005 to August 2007. This one, the sequel… I started the first draft in 2009. In the midst of trying to write, we decided to move. We started the remodeling process. I had health and depression issues. We spent months trying to find our lost dog. We put our house up for sale. We moved out of the house and into a rental. We moved out of the rental and stayed with my parents for 2 weeks in northern Montana. We moved into a rental house in Butte, MT. We recovered from moving. I had more health and depression issues. In the last 7 years, I’ve written 8 or 9 drafts. I’m just now getting into the best draft. When will I publish? I have no idea.

 5. Among your own books, who's your favorite character and what's your favorite book? I have two books—Eldala and its in-progress sequel. Eldala is my favorite because it’s my first novel and it doesn’t have to be edited anymore. It’s a real book. Right now, I’m not too fond of my sequel.

My favorite character is Kieran. I related to him the most because he was an ordinary person who had to decide to do something extraordinary. I had to do the same when I wrote his story. And I absolutely adore the person who inspired him – Steven Waddington. Mr. Waddington is a fine actor, and from everything I’ve heard on his Facebook fan page, a fine person as well.

 6. Why do you write about certain characters, settings or in a particular genre? My genre is medieval fantasy with romance. I write romance because I love love. I write fantasy so I can make up my facts and add in magic. I use a medieval world because it fascinates me, but I sure wouldn’t have wanted to live in that time period. Since I write medieval fantasy, I can leave out whatever facts I want about the time period and make things up.

 7. Who knows you best in life? My husband. And he adores me.

 8. What's your earliest memory and why does it stick with you? I remember making pizzas with my mom and dad in our little house on McKinley Street. I was 3. When they were done, we used my red wagon to take them to another house because we didn’t have a big freezer to store them in.

 9. How did your first job impact what you do professionally today? My first job was working in a real estate office. I think it greatly improved my typing skills. Handy when you’re a writer. Sometimes my fingers move faster than my brain.

 10. What did you buy with the first royalty payment? It came from Lulu.com. I think I just put it in the bank. I’m sure I was excited to get paid as a writer, especially since I’d never expected to write a novel, ever. 

 11. If you weren't writing, what would you be doing instead? Reading. But I do that anyway.

Here are 11 random things about me and/or random things that popped into my head.

1.     I love to write fantasy. I usually don’t read it. My favorite genre to read is Christian Historical Romance.

2.     When I was in junior high, my friend and I found a lady across the street who had several roping horses. Somehow we ended up helping her take care of them, and she taught us to ride. I was in love.

3.     Now that I live on 25 acres, I want my own horses, but we have to wait.

4.     I’ve always wanted to live in the pines. Now I do.

5.     My favorite pines are the tall Ponderosas. We have those in Montana, just not where I live. I think it’s an altitude thing. Our property has Douglas fir. They’re shorter and fluffier.

6.     I love the smell of Christmas trees. Last year, I discovered that a Douglas fir does not smell like a Christmas tree after you bring it into the house.

7.     We’ve also decided that the idea of cutting a tree yourself, from your own property, sounds nice—until you have to drag it up the long, steep driveway and then cut 2 or 3 feet off the bottom of it to fit it in your house. It was easier last year, when we could just drag it to the truck and drive it to the rental house.

8.     This was the first year we needed a ladder to decorate the tree.

9.     Can you tell that Christmas is my favorite holiday?

10.  I never thought I’d be so happy to see Spring. Or think about Summer.

11.  In Arizona we had warm, warmer, “how the heck did it get this hot?”, and pizza oven. Despite the snow that lasts 5 months, I’m glad I’m in Montana now. (Although I was starting to get tired of the white stuff by March.)

 Questions for my blogging friends, and these are really random –

1.     If you’re a reader, what’s your favorite genre to read?

2.     If you could go anywhere in the world to visit, where would you go?

3.     What’s your favorite movie?

4.     Chocolate or vanilla? Or some other flavor?

5.     Coffee, tea, or neither?

6.     Dessert person? If so, favorite dessert.

7.     What was your first job?

8.     Why did you start blogging?

9.     Do you have any hobbies? What are they?

10.  What’s the best time of the day for you?

11.  Do you like crowds or being with just a small group of people?

In choosing these bloggers, I know I’m not keeping to the 200 followers thing, but I have almost 300 followers now (which still surprises me), so the rule has already been broken.

1.     February Grace 

2.     Christine Hardy 

3.     Lori Vliegen (Lori has 1500 followers, but you have to see her blog)

4.     Annalisa Crawford 

5.     Lindsay Ostrom 

6.     Wendy Brightbill (she has an amazing story)

7.     Mary Connealy (check out her books – no, Mary didn’t tell me to say that)

8.     ?? I’m sorry to say, since having less internet access, I’ve cut my blog reading list back quite a bit.

To my nominees, if you decide to play along, let me know so I can read your answers. Whether you do or not, you’re dear to me.

2 blogging awards

Rachel Mary Bean of Writing on the Wall gifted me with two blogging awards. now i get to list 10 random things about me and pass these on. let me see if i can list things i haven't listed before...

1. i was in speech and debate in high school. most nerve wracking class i ever had.

2. i celebrate 4 major holidays/events in the space of a week-- Christmas, birthday, New Years, and my anniversary. obviously the birthday i couldn't help, but what was i thinking getting married on January 2nd? oh yeah...i'd just graduated from college and i was tired of waiting.

3. i'm a fan of Steven Waddington on facebook. some of the people there know him. i've mentioned i wrote a novel using him as a main character. if he ever says anything i'll freak. at the same time, something in me wants to meet him. that would probably make me freak too.

4. i used to live in Mesa, AZ. Mesa is Spanish for flat-topped hill. i moved to Butte, MT. a butte is a flat-topped hill (and is pronounced like the beaut in beautiful). God has a sense of humor.

5. i also moved from one desert to another. this one is just colder.

6. i told my kids that when it got to 20 below here (which it hasn't yet), they could remind me how much i hated the heat in the Phoenix area. last summer it got up to 118.

7. my middle name is Denise.

8. my maiden name is Engbretson. none of my teachers could pronounce it right on my first day in their class. at least it wasn't Trzbiatowksi (that's Treb-uh-TUH-skee).

9. i know a Trzbiatowski family in Wisconsin.

10. i was very happy to marry a Gregory. 

i'm not sure how many people to pass this onto, and i don't remember who i've given an award to, and who i haven't, but here goes. (and as a note, i hate leaving people out, and i knew i couldn't list every blog i visit, but i think you're all great.)

Wake up, eat, sleep, write (what a great name for a blog)
Winded Words
The Bookshelf Muse
Tasha Seegmiller
Alex J. Cavanaugh
Wordstream

why i'll never sell to a publisher and a guest post at Brooklyn Scribbler

this week, Lisa J. Yarde (a.k.a. The Brooklyn Scribbler) is celebrating "Happy Independents Week" by putting up follow-up posts to her series from last year on independent publishing. today she put up a post i did here back in December about being true to who i am. i thought it would tie in well to the follow-up post i wanted to do for "on staging a house and why i will never sell my book to a publisher"

all that said, i'm having trouble being true to who i am. this has been a difficult post to write. i know it's because i've been worrying about what people might think when they read it.

and therein lies the problem with my writing in general. i worry a lot about what people think. i'm very sensitive to criticism. i wish i could be detached and unemotional. i wish i could just "get over it." if i could grow the "thick skin" that every writer needs, i would. believe me, it would make my life so much easier.

but this is who i am. a Highly Sensitive Person. and many thanks to Olivia J. Herrell for reminding me of that in her post about HSPs. as she quotes Pearl S. Buck...

 To him (an HSP)...
a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.

i can't just "get over it." i can't be detached. my skin is about as thick as it's going to get.

but if i'm going to finish my sequel, i'm going to have to stop worrying about what people think. i'm going to have to ignore the writer's rule that says think about your reader.

the problem i've had all during the writing of my sequel is that i have been thinking about my readers. there are a lot of people who read Eldala and liked it (still a surprise to me). there are a lot of people waiting for the sequel. (it's been 4 years since i published Eldala. some of them have been waiting a long time.) i know there are expectations.

as i wrote the first few drafts of the sequel, my mind was plagued with questions.
"will they like the story i decided to tell?"
"will they notice that my writing has changed and will they like my new style?"
"what will they think of the story arc and the characters?"
"will they think i've changed Arathor and Tiana too much as compared to what they were in Eldala?"
"will they be angry with me at what i have to put my characters through?"

excuse my language, but damn. how can a writer, especially an HSP writer, be true to herself and her writing with questions like those pressing in on her? how could i possibly write the story i need to write when pleasing my readers is all i think about, almost to the point of being obsessive?

honestly, i wish i could be like my 9 year old daughter. she doesn't care what anyone thinks when she writes. she says she writes for the pure joy of it. i want to go back to that. writing for me and my kids was my mantra as i wrote Eldala. somewhere between the two stories, i forgot that. i thought more about pleasing readers than pleasing myself. heck, i cared more about what my crit partners thought than what i thought. (not to blame my crit partners. i dearly love you all. this is my stuff, not yours.)

when i got to the end of the last draft, i hated my story. when i tried to start the next draft a few months ago, i couldn't make myself write. granted, i was in the middle of getting my house ready to sell, so my brain was a little distracted, but i'm convinced that the ideas wouldn't come because i cared more about pleasing my readers and crit partners than i cared about pleasing myself.

what i've discovered about myself as a writer is that if i don't write the story for me, the ideas are forced. the writing is forced. i end up with a story i absolutely despise. so you can see why i never want to hand my story over to an agent or publisher.

now, i want you to know i'm not condemning my friends or any other writer who pursues publishing for whatever reason. i'm also not saying that writing for your readers is a bad thing. we have to write the best story we can and use all the writing tools at our disposal. i'll still submit my final drafts to crit partners and proofreaders so i don't put out junk. i'll just put up boundaries for myself as to what i want critiqued and what i'm willing to change or not change.

all that to finally say that just like staging my house so it would sell in a tight market felt fake and made me very uncomfortable, staging my book for a publisher so it could sell in the tight book market would be worse. i know i'm making assumptions, but having gone through this process with one of my dearest writing friends, i imagine i would have to make more concessions and compromises to keep the publisher happy than i'm willing to make. i would have to change the story to make it marketable, and although there would be parts of my story in there, it wouldn't be my story anymore. 

if anything, i try to be honest in the way i live and in the way i write. to put out a book that's not me would go against everything i believe. maybe that sounds conceited or rigid or even narcissitic. i don't know. at this point i don't care. i know there's a story inside me that has to be written. i haven't let it out because i've cared more about the opinions and ideas of others than i've cared about my own. it has to come out sometime. it will never come if i don't write the story that i love.   

"It's All Fun and Games" blogfest

i'm always looking for easy posts, and today my blogging friend Alex J. Cavanaugh has provided. the rules are easy: 

On June 6, 2011, list your three most favorite games and why. Board games, card games, RPG, video games, physical games - even mind games! If it’s a game you enjoy playing, it’s worth sharing.

in my quest to break rules, i'm listing many more than three, so here goes.

favorite card/dice games - favorites because i play these with my daughter a lot.

Farkle - a game generally played with 6 dice. my daughter and i play with 8 because we get more points, and although there are official rules, Anna and i have made up our own. instead of playing to 10,000 to win, we play to 20,000 or 30,000. i'm still trying to figure out how to work this into my sequel.

Five Crowns - i played this one at a church party and went right out and bought the deck. it takes a long time to play, but it's worth it. the funny thing is that it's made in the Phoenix area. this is another one where we alter the rules.

Uno - i think just about everyone has heard of Uno.

favorite board game - just one because i played this with my kids and husband and we had a blast.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars Monopoly - this is actually the first Monopoly game my kids ever played and i don't think they'll ever play the original. i mean, why play as an iron or car that can buy property and utilities when you can play as General Grievous or Anakin Skywalker and buy planets and ships? is there any comparison?

favorite RPG/video games - favorites because i love watching my boys play these either online or on the PS3. i'm not good at navigating the games, so i just watch.

anything Lego - Star Wars 1-6, Indiana Jones, Batman... i'm even looking forward to the Lego Pirates game. i love the humor Lego put into these games.

Lord of the Rings Battle for Middle Earth 2 - a great take-off based on the movies.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 1 - super special effects and a great story-line about Darth Vader's secret apprentice.

Tekken and Soul Caliber - these are the only video games i *can* play because all i have to do is push buttons, and as long as i stay away from the edge of the arena, i don't fall off of anything. my son doesn't play these with me often because, despite my lack of strategy (i just keep whacking at my opponent), i beat him about 2/3 of the time.

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2, Sith Lords - back a few years ago, i printed all the walk-thrus so my boys could get to the end. they played it multiple times, going light side and dark side. i liked the storyline. i think that's what really got me more into Star Wars.

Star Wars: The Old Republic - this one is coming in the fall and we've been watching the trailers for various characters as they come out. i'm looking forward to watching my boys play when it does.

interview for Loving the Reviews Challenge and a little bit about me

my turn is up today at Loving the Reviews Challenge. you can read the interview on Brandi's blog to find out where i got my idea for Eldala, which characters i'd want to have dinner with, which ones i'd avoid, and what my super power would be if i could have one. Brandi is also giving away a free copy of Eldala.

for those of you stopping by for the first time, welcome to beautiful chaos, and here's a little bit about me.

- i'm sure you've noticed that i don't capitalize on my blog and i explain why in this post.

- i've been making up stories ever since i was a little girl but gave it up when i had to write essays and essay tests in college. i rediscovered my passion for storytelling in 2005 with the writing of Eldala, and the stories have been pouring out ever since.

- i'm an indie author, meaning i'm not looking for an agent, editor, or publisher, and i publish my books myself. among other reasons for going this route, i like the control i have over my story, my title, my cover art, and my deadlines. on the downside, i have to do everything when it comes to publishing my novels, or hire it out.

it's a hard road, but i don't think it's any harder than what my writing friends have to go through with submissions and rejections and pitches to agents. despite the difficulties, i wouldn't give up the indie author/publishing route for anything.

- i love to write fantasy. i used to say that i wrote fantasy because i like making up my facts, but since my novels take place in a medieval type world, i still have to do research to make them believable. now i realize that i write fantasy because i like the freedom i have to put other-worldy elements in my story, like heart connections and the ability to manipulate nature, etc.

- i always write romance into my stories. i'm a sucker for love stories and happy endings, especially when the characters have to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds to find love.

- i'm forty-eight, have been married to a wonderful man for 24 years, and homeschool my three creative and fun-to-be-around kids (16, 15, and 9).

- my passion is to encourage people--especially moms and teens--to follow their dreams, be they dreams of writing, getting published, dancing, painting, or whatever.

- i love hummingbirds, cats, dogs, butterflies, giraffes, cheetahs, and octopi. interesting combination of animals now that i think of it.

so that's me, in a few random bytes. for other random bytes, you can go to my "get to know me" tab at the top of the blog.

my kind of blogfest

Nicole Ducleroir at One Significant Moment at a Time is hosting the Bernard Pivot Blogfest. this one is easy because we just have to answer questions about ourselves and you know how much i love doing that. i just wish i had the time to read all the entries in the blogfest.

we have the chance to be creative with our answers, but i'm not feeling very creative today, so i'll have to settle for plain. here goes.

1. What is your favorite word? i love words, so it's hard to choose a favorite, but in light of just celebrating Valentine's Day, i'll choose my husband's name-- Joe.

2. What is your least favorite word? death

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? an inspiring movie or book, a beautiful sunset, the seashore, a stirring piece of music, quiet in my house

4. What turns you off? stress and too much noise

5. What is your favorite curse word? do i really want to answer this one? let's just say it's not appropriate for my blog, and i can't  believe i just admitted that.

6. What sound or noise do you love? my kids getting along (which they do most of the time), violin music, any good music, a bubbling stream

7. What sound or noise do you hate? any noise that's pitched so low that it rumbles through me, or pitched so high that it makes my ears hurt.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? my previous profession was elementary teacher, and my current profession is homemaker/mom. if i could try a new one, i think it would be cake decorator or flower arranger. but if it were my profession, maybe i would get tired of it.

9. What profession would you not like to do? anything shown on Dirty Jobs.

10. If Heaven exists (and i believe it does), what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? "I'm so glad we finally get to see each other face to face."

if what i've posted before was random, well this is all over the place

how's that for a weird title?

so these are the things that have popped into my head in the last few hours... (and if you read my facebook profile today, you'll know that i'm prone to chasing squirrels).

♣ i love character map in Windows. can you tell? all those cool symbols you wouldn't find otherwise.

♣ i don't like Poptarts, but i do like the edges. my daughter doesn't like the edges. that works out well, don't you think?

♣ although i'm stuck on my 3rd draft and have some major timeline work to do, if i don't write something soon, i'll go crazy. packing boxes for moving is dull-ifying my brain. is that a word?

♣ when i write for myself, i feel like i'm letting down the readers who are waiting for Black Heart. i *should* be working on my revisions. sometimes my brain just needs to play. good thing i don't write to a publisher's deadline. the pressure would be horrible for me. i put enough pressure on myself as it is.

♣ i eat lunch at 11 every day, instead of noon. breakfast doesn't last that long, but then i don't eat huge breakfasts. i wonder if that will change when i start doing ranch-type chores in Montana.

♣ we've been sharing one bathroom amongst 5 people for over a week while the front bathroom gets a major overhaul. i think it will be over in a few days. it's been interesting.

♣ i wish i could buy a copy of every book written by my new writing/blogging friends, even the ones whose blogs i don't visit often. i want to support new authors. sadly, even if i bought the e-book versions, i wouldn't have enough money, and i know i wouldn't have the time to give each one the attention it deserves.

♣ on the other hand, what do you do when an author gives you a free book and you don't want to read it because the writing doesn't grab you or it's not a genre you like, but they want a review?

♣ i looked at all the blogs i follow and though i don't follow as many as Alex (i think he's up to over 500 now), i still don't have time to read them all, let alone make comments. i was thinking about not following a few today, but couldn't decide which ones. and not following feels like letting them down somehow. i need to get over that. who's going to know?

♣ my counter reached 3500 today. i think it's cool that people keep coming back, and that i get new visitors every day.

♣ time to go write some short fiction... except that my fiction is never short. i think my longest short story was 50,000 words and my shortest was 11,000. guess i'll go start a novella, or at least start one. maybe it will get my brain kickstarted to work on Black Heart.

sometimes i can hardly believe...

last night, when i was supposed to be sleeping, my mind was thinking about the amazing things that have happened in my life, not just with writing, but with other things as well. today, i thought i'd just mention the writing ones.

sometimes i can hardly believe that

-- i would ever write a novel in the first place, finish it, then share it with anyone. i didn't know i had it in me.

-- i wrote a sequel. i thought i had one story in me and that was it. wow. was i wrong. i have so many in me i don't know what to do with them.

-- i can work on more than one story at a time. when i worked on my novel, i thought i could never do that. i thought it would be too distracting.

-- i would have so many people tell me they actually like my novel. i'm always blown away when someone says, "i couldn't put it down."

-- i would meet such great writing and blogging friends. first it was Kristal Shaff, my crit partner. that was back in 2006, when i was on my 2nd draft of Eldala. then i met Christine Hardy. recently, it's been Kristie Cook, Lisa Yarde, and February Grace. (forgive me if i left someone out.) i love you all.

-- my novel would be on Amazon, and now Smashwords. the 2nd didn't even exist when i first published. i think it's cool my book can be read on multiple digital devices.

-- i would have over 100 people reading my blog. i started blogging in 2005, a few months before i started writing. i think 3 or 4 people read it. i think it's great that i have 113 people who follow, and that my friends on facebook can read my posts.

-- i would ever have my own website. ever since getting our computer and the internet, back in 1996, i'd wanted my own website, but didn't want to learn html. so the blog was my first foray into having one. but now i even have my own domain name. i think that's very cool.

-- people would ask my opinion of indie publishing. back in 2007, when i finally put my book up for sale, hardly anyone that i knew talked about it, and the people who did looked down on it. the other day, i went to a local romance writers conference and indie/self publishing was one of the topics. i went to see what had changed. i have to admit i felt a little smug as they got all excited about it like it was a new thing. i feel like a pioneer or something.

-- i would have a fan page on facebook. that's still a little weird to me.

what changes in your life, writing or otherwise, have you shaking your head in wonder?

"Living my Purpose" blog award

Kristie Cook is starting her Purpose Virtual Release Party with a blog award. She says, "It's the brand-spanking-new 'Living My Purpose Blog Award,' because I believe we are all living our purposes in one way or another."

To accept the award, all you have to do is:

Right-click the picture to save and post on your blog.
Share one way you are living your purpose.
Share three other things about yourself.
Give the award to at least three other people, including links so we can check out their blogs.

i believe my main purpose is to encourage others in any way possible. here in the blogging world, i hope i do that through this blog. i also encourage people through my fiction.

3 things about myself (that's hard because i've shared so much already, but i'll try to think of something new)

1. i can't stand the smell of anything alcoholic, and just a littel sip makes me nauseated and dizzy.
2. when i was little, i wished that i could have a secret room somewhere in the house so i could be by myself and no one could find me.
3. that's probably why one of my favorite books as a girl was "The Velvet Room" by Zilpha Keatley Snyder. (i read it a couple of years ago and loved it all over again.)

i'll try to pass this on to 3 bloggers who probably don't frequent Kristie's blog, but keeping it to 3 is hard.

1. Karen Jones Gowan
2. Christine Danek
3. Cruella Collett

since the list was so short, and i think you all deserve this, you can also go to Kristie's blog and just pick it up and follow the rules.

getting to know me a little more

i realized today that i put a lot of things that i love in Eldala. you can read my post here: Getting to Know me Through Eldala.

true to who i am

The early Hassidic sage Rabbi Zusya once said, "When I reach the next world, God will not ask me, 'Why were you not Moses?' Instead, he will ask me, 'Why were you not Zusya?'"

i don't know about you, but i have to make a conscious effort to be myself and stay true to what i know i'm supposed to do. i'm the kind of person who looks around at what everyone else is doing, and though i know better, i start to think, "maybe i should be doing it like so and so."

i get this way with homeschooling. i'm part of an online homeschooling group and even though we're all very gracious with each other and we're not even giving into the pressure to make homeschool look like public school with mounds of homework, etc, it's easy to compare myself to them and say, "wow, i should be doing more projects, going more places, doing more things, blah, blah, blah."

but then i remember that my kids are learning what they need to learn and the way we're doing school fits our lifestyle. my kids are happy and not so overly busy that we're stressed and going crazy. i like a simple lifestyle.

lately i've found myself doing the comparison thing with blogging and writing and promoting. "i should have more posts about writing, more contests, more blog hops, more interviews. i should be helping more writing friends promote their books with blog tours and side buttons and links. my blog should look more professional, have more about my book and links to all the places people can buy it. i should work on my story more often and not play with other stories so much. i should have more description, less tea, etc. i should have my book on kindle and smashwords and kobo and wherever. maybe i should look for an agent. i should say more and do more..."

makes me tired just writing it.

i've learned from counselling (and my husband reminds me every once in a while) that if you substitute the word (excuse me) sh** for should, when you say you should do something, it's like piling sh** on yourself. and isn't that exactly how we feel when we start saying "I should, I should"?

so it's time to be kind to myself, stop piling crap on myself, and let myself be who i am. i will put whatever i want on my blog. i will help other writers when i can. i will promote myself as much or as little as i'm comfortable with. i will let my mind play when it needs a break. i will continue to self-publish, and not pressure myself into doing it the way my indie author friends are doing it. i will write the story i want to write and not worry about the tea.

maybe that's my cue to go have some tea, or a cup of hot cocoa.

now, go have a beautiful day, free of "shoulds." have some tea. be yourself.

~~Chelle

why i keep writing

i've written posts before on how i got started writing, why i love to write, and the frustrations of writing (i was going to find links for these, but it's taking too long and i just want to get on with this...i'll find them later.)

suffice it to say, there have been many times (as my husband and CP can tell you) that i've wanted to completely give up and never write another word for as long as i live because i start to think i'm a fraud, a fake, a wanna-be in the writing world. "who am i to think i could ever write anything that anyone would ever want to read?"

and then i read a post like Kristie's on how she realized she was supposed to write her Soul Saver Series and then i remember things that have encouraged me when i was ready to quit.

each of these things still make me cry when i think about them...

~~back in Nov. 2007, when i'd first put out Eldala, i received an unsolicited "less-than-stellar" review in person, and i just sat there and took it even though i didn't want it and i was ready to walk away from writing...

the very next day, one of my dearest friends called me to say that God used the scene with the cardinal to remind her of his love. she also said the scene with the butterflies touched her, and that she'd written down quotes from my book so she could remember them later.

~~ one of my homeschooling friends in Canada told me that her teenage son, who had never finished a book, saw the cover and snuck the book out of her room so he could read it. she also said that she was driving somewhere with him, glanced at him in the backseat, asked what he was doing, and he said he was reading Eldala. and then he ended up finishing the book. wow. it's now his favorite.

~~ a couple of years later, this same young man (who is eagerly awaiting my sequel) asked me to send a signed copy to one of his friends in the states for her birthday. i was surprised and pleased when i received a card from her in the mail, just when i needed a reason to go on.

among other things, she said, "When Jessara accepted her responsibility as Malazia and eventually became queen, I found a new courage and understood that 'the only one that underestimates my importance is me.' Thank you for sharing Teleria with me. Thank you for the courage." i bring this card out when i feel discouraged.

~~ as if those reasons weren't enough to keep going, there's always the fact that my kids love my stories. my eldest son in particular loves to write with me. it's been a joy to work on Black Heart with him this time around. how many moms get to write a novel with their teenage son? i am so blessed.

i hope that when you start to think you don't have it in you to write, or when you've received yet another rejection from an agent or editor, or a bad review of your book gets posted, that someone or something will come along to encourage you to keep at it, no matter what, because you have a story to tell and it's a very important one. if nothing else, i hope this post can be one of those things to help you keep going.

thankful

yes, it's Thanksgiving time, so it's easy to remember to be thankful, and yes, you've probably read numerous posts on the subject, but i wanted to make my own list. there are so many things in my life to be thankful for, and these are just a few of them in the grand scheme of things...

♥ i have a husband who loves me and treats me like a queen. he's my chief encourager when i want to quit writing. he loves to cook, plays with the kids, encourages me to get time to myself, and loves me just the way i am.

♥ my kids are all healthy, and the one with Crohn's Disease doesn't have any of the symptoms.

♥ i have 3 great kids. they all get along with each other. i never have to worry about the house being burned down or one of them hurting the others when i leave them alone. they're polite when we go out of the house and i enjoy being with them.

♥ my oldest son has a very creative mind and is helping me write my sequel. his name will be on the cover. how many people get to write with their 16 year old son?

♥ my husband has a job, we have a house, we have everything we need, and a lot of things we want.

♥ for the most part, we get along with our extended families and enjoy being with them.

♥ my dizzy episodes are relatively gone. i can drive anytime i want, keep the house under control, and do the things that need to be done. beyond that, i'm enjoying my life for the first time in a long time. when they do hit me, my husband has no problem doing what i can't do or being ok with it not getting done.

♥ the internet has led me to so many great friends. without it i would never have started writing and i love writing. i just have to be careful to not spend all of my time on it.

♥ even though it can drive me crazy, i'm thankful for my creative brain and all the story ideas and the ability to put them down in a way that's entertaining and encouraging.

♥ my blogging friends. what an encouraging community of writers and cool people i've found.

♥ friends from my past i've been able to connect with again. just yesterday, i visited with a lady i've known since 3rd grade. that's a 40 year friendship. cool.

♥ readers of my novel have kept me going when i thought it was time to quit.

♥ i have a God who loves me and wants the best for me, and provides more than i could ever ask for or imagine.

be your magical self

i came across this lovely post by February Grace of Pitch Slapped where she's Grateful for Permission to Just Be. you'll have to read it to see why i posted a carousel unicorn, but the tie-in is there, especially if you read my comment at the end.

when you read her post, you'll see exactly how i feel about writing and publishing and all that-- which is not to say that anyone doing this for other reasons or doing it another way is wrong, it's just how February and i look at things.

one of these days i'll do a post about it myself, but for now, Bru has said it so eloquently that i really can't add anything to it. in fact, i think i'm going to bookmark it so that when i get off track, i can read it and remember why i do what i do.

blessings for your Thanksgiving,
Michelle

the 3's of me

a friend on FB tagged me to answer one of those random question things and since i like to do "random things about me" posts, i thought i'd let it do double duty, so i'm posting it here and it will end up on FB eventually, when i can then tag x# of people, yada yada. if you want to play along, let me know in the comments.

(if you respond to this on Facebook...You've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with the 3's of YOU. At the end, choose 26 people to be tagged. You have to tag me so really you just need 25 more people. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you - but not in a creepy stalker kind of way.

To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 3''s of Me, tag people - in the right hand corner of the app - then click publish.)


Three names I go by:

1. Mom
2. Michelle
3. Mich (from Joe)

Three Jobs I have had in my life:

1. Burger flipper
2. Go-fer in a real estate office
3. 2nd grade teacher in a private school

Three Places I have lived:

1. Mesa, AZ
2. Shawnee, OK
3. Las Vegas, NV

Three Favorite drinks:

1. Raspberry lemonade
2. Root beer
3. Chai

Three TV Shows that I watch:

1. Star Wars: The Clone Wars
2. Mythbusters
3. movies on TCM

Three places I have been:

1. Dominican Republic
2. Vermont
3. Russia

Three of my favorite foods:

1. Spaghetti
2. Strawberry cheesecake
3. Chocolate


Three friends I think will repost:

1. Christine
2. Kristal
3. Auberne

Three Things I am looking forward to:

1. Christmas
2. moving to Montana
3. having horses

Three hobbies/interests you have:

1. Writing (is that a hobby or an obsession?)
2. Photography
3. blogging

just 6 words

yesterday i stumbled across this great site, Smith Magazine, where they're collecting 6 word memoirs and printing them in books. very cool. so i contributed a couple about myself.

Knowing i'm loved keeps me alive.

Started to write. Came to life.

but then, early this morning, when i should have been sleeping, i kept thinking of more, not just about me, but about movie and book characters. so here's another one for me, then the others. i won't list who the character is, but i'll do a post in a couple of days with the answers, though you'll probably figure out who they are.

mine: Signed up for Nanowrimo. Published novel.

others:
1. Found the Force. Saved the galaxy.

2. Captured by Ewoks. Found my brother.

3. Stopped for repairs. Frozen in carbonite.

4. Captured by Emperor. Saved my dad.

5. Took red pill. Saw the truth.

6. Disposed of ring. Saved Middle Earth.

7. Helped Mr. Frodo. Married my Rosie.

8. Stopped being Ranger. Became the king.

9. Found my Eldala. Ended a curse.

10. Found my Eldala. Became the queen.

11. Started with e-mails. Ended with love.

12. Went to ball. Married the prince.

13. Crippled Marine finds love, saves planet. (that one sounds more like a headline. oh well.)

14. Went through wardrobe. Deposed a witch.

i'm sure i'll think of more as the day goes on. can you think of any? post them in the comments.

more...
15. Killed Emperor. Saved son. Brought balance.

16. Fell from fantasy world. Found love.

17. (re-do of 13) Took brother's place. Saved alien planet.

18. Found magic ring. Defeated a dragon.

19. Finally got Precious. Died in lava.

20. Went back in time. Fixed parents.

like being on the playground

isn't that where we played tag? that's where *i* played tag, but that was more than 40 years ago. do kids even play tag anymore? i'm not sure. if they don't, they're missing a great game, or they're not being allowed to play a great game.

anyway, all that to say that i stopped by Nicole Zoltac's blog and she tagged me with another blogger question thing to answer. this one sounded fun, so here goes. i'm supposed to tag 8 other people, but i'll do what she did-- if you read this, you're tagged. just let me know if you decide to play along.

1. If you could have a superpower, what would you have? Why?
--endless amounts of energy. think of all the things i could get done.

2. Who is your style icon?
--i don't have one. i am who i am. but i'd call my own style casual. i dress up only when i have to.

3. What is your favorite quote?
-- i have two:

"Well-behaved women rarely make history." - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and do that because what the world needs is people who are alive." - Howard Thurmond.

4. What is the best compliment you've ever received?
-- i have two for that as well: that my children are a delight to be with, and that people can't put my novel down.

5. What playlist/cd is on your ipod/cd player right now?
-- i have lots of playlists. my favorite is probably the one called "Alive" - songs that make me think of the quote above about being alive.

6. Are you a night owl or a morning person?
--middle of the day- i'm more productive as the day goes on, but at about 6, i start to peter out. i'm usually in bed by 10.

7. Do you prefer dogs or cats?
--both. we have dogs and they're nice to have around, though a pain sometimes. i'd like to have a cat, but until i move, i have to settle for petting the cat from next door.

8. What is the meaning behind your blog name?
-- beautiful chaos - my life is chaotic, but God can bring beauty out of anything.

more t.v. shows?

Alex's blog hop sent me looking all over the blog world to see what other people watch. their lists reminded me of what I used to watch, so many i'd forgotten that i really loved and miss. but i don't have as much time for t.v. now.

still, i decided to look up shows by decade and here's a longer list, including some i already listed in the earlier post. not everything i watched, just the things i remember enjoying.

just think of this as me being random as usual. i'll try to list by decade. i was surprised at how many i remembered.

1960's-

The Avengers
Batman - i was in love with Adam West
The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show
Wild, Wild West

1970's

Cade's County
Ellery Queen
Hart to Hart
The Incredible Hulk
Little House on the Prairie
McMillan and Wife
Columbo
Quincy, M.E.
Wonder Woman

1980's

The Cosby Show
Equalizer
MacGyver
Magnum P.I.
Max Headroom
Murder She Wrote
Poirot
Quantum Leap
Scarecrow and Mrs. King
Spenser for Hire
Star Trek TNG
The Young Riders

1990's

Diagnosis Murder
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman
Hercules Legendary Journeys
Highlander
Star Trek Voyager
Walker Texas Ranger
Young Indiana Jones

2000's

first part of the decade, my kids were little. i watched PBS shows for many years, a few episodes of Crocodile Hunter, Ben 10, Clone Wars, etc.

when there's nothing to watch, we watch movies, but that's a whole 'nother list.

top 10 t.v. shows blogfest... or hop

they're calling it both, but whatever it is, Alex J. Cavanaugh is hosting it and we're supposed to list our top 10 t.v. shows. at the last minute, i decided to jump in, so here goes. they're not in any order of most to least favorite, just 10 i could call to mind that i've enjoyed over the years, and some of them go way back.

(some of the participants have pictures to go with their entries, but i don't really have the time, so i'll do the list and tell why i like it, if i can remember why. i figure i'm doing good just to get this much done.)

1. My Own Worst Enemy: i loved the concept of this regular guy finding out that he's really a spy, and the whole conflict between these two halves of himself. Christian Slater did a great job being innocent Henry and out of control Edward. my husband and i were REALLY unhappy when NBC cancelled it.

2. Star Wars The Clone Wars: we love Star Wars around here, but i didn't think i would like this. it took reading a series about the clones by Karen Traviss with my son to make me want to immerse myself more in the story of the clones and their side of the war. the storyline that K. Traviss came up with was super, but unfortunately, Mr. Lucas decided he didn't like that storyline and he changed it, so now it's not quite as much fun for me to watch, but i still watch it with my kids. we're partial to the episodes that feature bounty hunters and General Grievous.

3. MacGyver: how can you not like a guy who can make something really cool out of just junk? my kids have watched this on fancast and so i got to enjoy it all over again.

4. Highlander: my kids watched this one, too. and the reason i liked it - Adrian Paul. need i say more?

5. Mythbusters: these guys (and gal) are just cool.

6. Star Trek: the original, The Next Generation, and Voyager: i'm glad they were able to wrap up the last two with satisfying endings and not just leave us hanging.

7. The Cosby Show: just a great time all the way around.

8. M.A.S.H.: i remember attending the last episode party when i was in college. sad when it was over.

9. Magnum, P.I.: cute guy in a Ferrari. enough said. i still like Tom Selleck.

10. Good Eats: i found this one a few years ago and even though we don't watch it as much as we used to, we love the humor that Alton Brown brings to cooking. i mean, sock puppets playing the part of yeast? they make me laugh every time.

(i decided to list more here.)

oh so happy

my new blogging friend Donna Hole gifted me with the Happy 101 blogging award. Jen Daiker gave it to me back in January, and here are the answers to 10 things that make me happy. but it won't hurt to list ten more things, so here goes:

1. watching a really good movie with a happy ending.

2. reading a really good book (or even a mediocre book) with a happy ending, or the possibility of a happy ending. (i checked, and this one was there as well)

3. writing (yes, that's on the list before, twice i think)

4. walking into a bookstore and taking a deep breath.

5. watching horses

6. interacting with horses (ok, so horse stuff was on the list before, too)

7. petting a cat

8. spending time with my kids (so was this)

9. spending time with my husband (and this)

10. the smell of the forest.

so only 5 repeats, which, considering it's 7 AM and i'm still waking up, that's pretty good.