May 15, 2014

in good company

Sir Patrick Stewart
(this rambling was inspired by a post on February Grace's blog, entitled "What it is and what it is not.")

the other day, i was in the chiropractor's office and picked up AARP magazine. (sidenote- it's really strange to see actors i've "grown up with" on AARP's covers -- "how can so-and-so be retirement age?") this one had an interview with Patrick Stewart. being a Jean-Luc Picard/Star Trek fan, i was intrigued. as i read the article, something got my attention:

Far from the heroic, self-assured characters he's played — and the joyful person he is today (at 73) — Stewart was for decades a man plagued by fear and stifled by rage. The roots of his struggle go back to a difficult childhood, marked by poverty and abuse that took him years to understand. Having only recently opened up about the trauma of his early years, he now behaves as a person liberated, and eager, finally, to step out and join the party.

at first, i was surprised that a person who plays confident people would not be confident himself. he does such a good job of acting that i forget he's a real person with real fears. and i realized we can do that with other people -- believe that because they seem confident on the outside they're confident on the inside. 

truth be told, aren't most of us pretty good at putting on a brave face when inside, we're just scared?  

i for one certainly am (although, i don't know how confident i come across). the list of things i'm afraid of is pretty long. to be honest, i'm sick of living that way. i need to take my own advice and remember that "a life lived in fear is a life half-lived." and who wants to half-live? not me. i'm not saying it's going to change overnight, but i think admitting i have a problem is the first step to overcoming it. and honestly, i can't overcome it myself. i need Divine help. 

probably my biggest fear when it comes to writing is "will anyone like my story?" even as i've received a lot of positive feedback from readers of Eldala, one bad review or comment can send me spiraling downward because i'm letting someone's negative opinion be the final word on me. on the other hand, i'm giving just as much power to the positive comments to prove to myself that i'm a good writer. 

i suppose a lot of writers have this fear. when i think about it, a lot of humans have this fear. "will people accept me, warts and all, or will they reject me when they find out i'm not perfect?" whatever we do (writing, painting, song-writing, just living), we're all in the same boat, and all in good company. 

what would happen if we all stopped being afraid? how much of life would change if we were honest with people and didn't worry about being accepted? 

now i'm rambling. and realizing that the first step to not being afraid of anyone's opinion starts with being ok with myself for the warts i have. loving myself. admitting i have fears and tackling them. because i believe in the Divine, i'm going to ask for Divine help. 

if you want some inspiration on overcoming your writing fears (and on how to admit them), i'd suggest reading Bru's post

1 comment:

randi lee said...

Great comments, Michelle! I certainly hide my bouts of insecurity behind a Teflon pan, too. I think a lot of us do...we just don't say as much!