February 5, 2011

i've come a long way


so today, the lovely and talented Christine Hardy is hosting the "You've Come a Long Way, Baby" blogfest. this is the day we get to share "a sample of your own early-in-my-learning-process, sort-of-awful-but-I-don't-mind-embarassing-myself writing." what fun.

it took me a little time to decide what to post. i finally chose a scene from the early stages of Eldala. it has spoilers in it, so be warned.

this is the scene where Kieran proposes to Jessa. there's no word count limit that i know of, but it's a little long and rather than take up blog space here, i'll post this on my Eldala blog, but here's a teaser...

Jessa was wearing the purple dress again and Kieran was captured by her beauty, watching her every move. While he tried to eat, he waited with nervous anticipation for the meal to be finished. He wanted to be alone with her. He wondered if he would be able to ask her the question that had been on his mind for so long.


When the meal was finally over, he took her hand and invited her to ride with him. She agreed and took his arm as they went out the door. He saddled Fallon and helped Jessa up, sitting in front of her. She wrapped her arms around him as he spurred the horse towards the shore.


The full moon reflected off the water, and they rode in silence, listening to the wave’s crash onto the shore.


“I’m going to miss this,” she said. “And you most of all.”


He could feel her stifle a sob against his back. He stopped the horse and dismounted, helping her to the ground. They wove their fingers together and walked along the shore. After a few minutes, Kieran led her towards the bluff.


"Where are we going?” Jessa asked.


“A place Kale told me about.”


When they reached the spot, Jessa let out a quick breath. They were in a narrow grotto, carved by a waterfall that spilled from the top of the bluff and came down in ribbons over moss-covered boulders. Each side of the grotto was lined with ferns and grasses.


Jessa sat on a boulder and trembled as Kieran dropped to one knee.

to read the rest go here: I've Come a Long Way. you'll also find a link at the bottom for the final version that made it into the novel.

11 comments:

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

WOW! What a difference in the strength of the two pieces! The first lacked emotional depth. I felt like I was hiding behind a tree, watching the couple on the horse, too far away to actually see or hear them. But in the final version, I was shoulder-to-shoulder with them, feeling the heat come off them, physically and emotionally. Well done!

Tessa Conte said...

I like it, old piece or no!

Thanx for sharing,

T.x

writesbymoonlight said...

The second piece has a great first line. Draws us into the story with an emotion tug almost everyone can relate to. The whole excerpt has a more intimate feel. Way to revise!

Joanne said...

It's always interesting to see how far we've come, how a piece of writing can be so finetuned to really shine. Thanks for sharing ...

Donna Hole said...

Actually, I think I'm right about here in Eldala. I'm sorry it is taking me so long to read the novel.

The final version has much more depth to it. You write romance scenes really well. The genre suits your writing style. I always feel so much longing and love in your scenes.

Thanks for sharing these two versions.

.......dhole

Trisha Leaver said...

I am awed at the difference between the two pieces. Fantastic stuff! You have an amazing sense of place in your writing. I felt like I was right there.

Elaine AM Smith said...

Thank you for posting. It is interesting to compare the style of the writing between the two pieces. You have worked hard to polish the piece to draw the reader into the work and into the lives of your characters.

lbdiamond said...

It's amazing to see how writing progresses over time. Thanks for sharing your work, before and after!

Simon C. Larter said...

Yes, indeed! The second piece has far more emotional resonance. More grounding in the characters' memories and feelings. An excellent progression, good lady. :)

Becky Wallace said...

Hi Michelle! Thanks for sharing! Isn't great to see how we progress! Good work!

Charli Mac said...

I want to read more! Bravo on the second piece. Love the last line, melts my heart.