beautiful chaos

a castle of your own

2012-01-24T08:17:00.001-07:00

i always find castles inspiring. since everyone has their own taste in castles, i thought i'd post a few that i'd found.

and then there's the castle i use for my novels-- Conwy Castle in the town of Conwy, Aberconwy & Colwyn, north Wales... (which is ironic because when i first made a map of my fictional country Teleria, i based it off of Wales. i didn't pick the castle until later, and i didn't know it was a Welsh castle until much later.)

once upon a tree

2012-01-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

randomness

2012-01-17T15:40:00.000-07:00

-- my driveway goes between these two huge Douglas Fir trees. i love it. just 6 or 7 more months and i'll get to live there.

-- wind really does make a difference in temperature. 30 degrees and wind is worse than 20 degrees with no wind.

-- i never thought i'd see icicles on my car.

-- or on my mailbox.

-- for the first time, i'm enjoying editing. at least this week.

-- reading great fiction usually makes me go, "my story is garbage." this time it inspired me to do better. and edit.

-- you can't have too many fleece blankets when you live in Montana. even in summer.

-- facebook makes the world smaller. i've been chatting with a new friend from Italy. what fun.

between a rock and a...hoodoo

2012-01-14T07:22:00.001-07:00

this is a collapsed hoodoo (a rock formation caused by differential resistance to erosion, meaning that the top part of the hoodoo is harder than the bottom, so the bottom erodes faster). my husband and i call them mushroom rocks. this one is along Highway 89A, leading to the north rim of the Grand Canyon. to give you perspective, the larger boulder was about three times my height.

here's one that hasn't eroded yet.

i'm not sure how inspiring these are, but i might use them for another setting in my book. (still debating.)

out for a walk

2012-01-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

where do you suppose these trails go?

a place to explore

2012-01-13T11:16:00.000-07:00

i took both of these pictures when i was at the Glen Eyrie Writer's retreat in 2010.

go climb a tree

2012-01-12T07:37:00.000-07:00

another interesting setting i'm using.

Mesa Verde

2012-01-11T17:16:00.001-07:00

i found this for a scene in my sequel, Black Heart

mirror, mirror

2012-01-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

me and the beach

2012-01-10T18:12:00.000-07:00

i sometimes use this for desktop wallpaper. can you see a story taking place here?

inspiring pictures

2012-01-10T14:11:00.001-07:00

blogging friend Michelle Davidson Argyle is sharing random pictures on her tumblr site. i tried doing the same thing. i should know better. it was just one more way for me to fiddle on the internet. but that doesn't have to stop me from sharing random pictures.

today's is one of my favorite fantasy pictures. i don't know who the artist is. i found it on Desktop Nexus.

she must have a story. what do you think it is?

writing and breathing

2012-01-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

“There is never a moment when I am not involved in thinking about writing. I can't put it out of my mind entirely, even in the most trying of circumstances. You might as well as me to stop breathing; thinking about my writing is as much a function of my life.” ~ Terry Brooks, Sometimes the Magic Works

the wisdom of C. S. Lewis

2012-01-08T08:27:00.002-07:00

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. ~ C. S. Lewis (1898 - 1963)

(stolen from The Writer's Hole, hosted by the lovely and talented Christine Hardy.)

write for yourself

2012-01-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

Katrina Lantz has a great post up at Operation Awesome called Sing Your Own Song.

in a word...

2012-01-06T08:20:00.002-07:00

“I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I'm afraid of. ” Joss Whedon

sometimes you just have to start over

2012-01-03T06:00:00.002-07:00

it's a new year, a time when we think about new beginnings. so i thought i would talk about new beginnings and our stories.

it starts with an idea. we get excited. we write our first draft. we polish and polish and polish. we want it to be the best story it can be, especially if we're trying to sell our story to an agent or publisher.

so we send our stories out to beta readers and critique partners, etc. and they give us great feedback. and then we apply it to our story. and quite often, it makes it a better story.

but sometimes it doesn't.

sometimes, despite all the great ideas from our readers, the story gets lost. the heart of what we wanted to say gets buried in all the other stuff.

maybe this has happened to you. and maybe you decided you'd just leave it because your crit partners knew better than you what the story should be in order to sell it. maybe it didn't matter that the story you wanted to tell had been replaced with something else.

that's ok. i'm not criticizing that decision. we do what we have to do to reach our goals.

maybe you saw the story you wanted to tell get buried and you lost heart. and you stopped writing.

i know i did.

in my efforts to please my readers and my crit partners, i tried to make my story something it wasn't. and it turned into a story i didn't want to tell. it didn't sound like me. it sounded forced. it wasn't my voice.

so i stopped writing.

and then something happened. i moved to Montana. i started to rest. i missed my story. somewhere in there, i started to think about what i wanted to say. and i started over. almost completely from scratch.

i know it goes against writing wisdom. all that work and i started over. in the past it would have bothered me to write so many words and decide most of them had to go. but by then, i'd realized that writing was like compost. i was ok with starting over. it made more sense than trying to fix what i already had.

that doesn't mean i ditched all of it. there's still a lot that's from the last draft, and some that's from the stuff i wrote for my crit partners. all of it's coming together to make a story i love.

of course, there are moments when i think about readers. i worry about what they'll think. but then i push that aside, because i realize if i don't love it, they won't love it. and in the end, i'm the only one i have to please.

OR sometimes, you have to stop worrying about everyone else and be secure enough in your writing and in your story and just write it.

(to read more posts for insecure writers, you can go to Alex's blog.)

the "No Kiss" Blogfest

2012-01-02T06:00:00.011-07:00

romance writer that i am, i love kissing scenes. but sometimes, a no-kissing scene is just as satisfying. and now i get to share some of my favorites, thanks to Frankie Diane Mallis and her "No Kiss" Blogfest. irony of ironies, i get to share them on my anniversary. yep, today i celebrate 25 years of kissing scenes with my best friend.

but back to the blogfest. Frankie said we could post a video of our favorite movie no-kissing scene, which i thought would be easy. then i realized i have several favorites. i've included links to the ones i didn't post.

the first one i thought of was the proposal from the most recent Pride and Prejudice.

then i thought of the one from A Knight's Tale, which could just be an argument, but they look like they need to kiss.

and there's the one in Tangled, which i think is sweet (and gets interrupted after this song).

but the one i finally settled on was the one from Enchanted. so many emotions in one beautiful scene--the surprise of realizing they're in love, the joy of dancing together, and the loss of their future. (for some reason the spoken dialogue is silent, but i thought the song was more important.)

and then, just for fun, here's a link to a scene from my work-in-progress, Black Heart, the sequel to Eldala. and it's not a no-kiss scene. it's a "mistaken kiss" scene.

for more no kissing scenes, visit Frankie's blog. and if you're here from the blogfest, i'll try to get to the other no kissing posts in the next few days.

now i'm off for more of my own kissing scenes. dinner out and Mission Impossible at the movies.

a new year wish

2011-12-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

thanks to Janna Qualman for leading me to a great new year's blog post on Neil Gaiman's blog. the one that spoke to me most was this one...

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

Emmanuel (Hallowed Manger Ground) by Chris Tomlin

2011-12-26T06:00:00.001-07:00

this is another one i heard at my church on Christmas.

How Many Kings by Downhere

2011-12-25T22:03:00.000-07:00

i love it when i hear a new Christmas song. i heard this one today at my church.

i hope you had a peaceful and blessed holiday.

i'll have one more video tomorrow.

Grown Up Christmas List by Amy Grant

2011-12-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

it was hard to choose which video of this song to use--there were several. some had pictures that were a little brutal--war, floods, famine--, and i know that brutal things happen all over the world, every day. but today i didn't need brutal. i needed something sweet and hopeful, and this video was both. besides, these two little girls are adorable. i hope you enjoy.

a picture's worth....

2011-12-23T10:00:00.002-07:00

if you wondered about life in Montana, this is it.

(ok, so not everyone here does this, but it gives you an idea.)

Welcome to our World by Chris Rice

2011-12-23T06:41:00.002-07:00

one of my very favorites.

Shakespeare does The Three Little Pigs

2011-12-21T09:14:00.003-07:00

this has been going around Facebook, but in case you didn't see it there i thought i'd share. i was laughing so hard i was crying.

Traditions of Christmas by Mannheim Steamroller

2011-12-21T07:30:00.002-07:00

a word about Eldala

2011-12-20T12:33:00.002-07:00

blogging and writing friend Margo Berendsen made a list of books she read this year and why she read them. she was kind enough to mention Eldala in her list.

2011 Debut Authors

(to read her review from this year, you can go here-- Margo's Review. just to warn you, the review has spoilers. while you're there you can check out other reviews if you've a mind to. and the first six chapters are there too.)

No Eye Had Seen

2011-12-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

O Holy Night

2011-12-18T05:58:00.002-07:00

All is Well

2011-12-17T09:55:00.002-07:00

All is Well by Michael W. Smith

George Winston does Pachelbel's Canon in D Major

2011-12-14T07:24:00.002-07:00

i think people either like this song or they don't. it's one of my favorites and i listen to it at Christmas. (my husband and i used it as the "wedding march" for our wedding in 1987.)

Breath of Heaven

2011-12-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

A Better Way by Downhere

2011-12-10T07:36:00.002-07:00

this isn't really a Christmas song, but i think of Christmas when i hear it.

maybe he'll give me inspiration

2011-12-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

if you've been here long enough, you know i use pictures of actors for inspiration for my characters. i was writing a particularly strange scene for my sequel with Kieran in it and went back to the video i'd found of Steven Waddington playing the part of King Richard the Lionheart.

nothing like seeing the actor you've chosen for your king actually playing the role of a king.

and to be honest, i just like looking at him. i think i chose well way back in 2005 when i picked him for Kieran.

and what the heck, i'll throw in one of Adrian Paul. (you knew i would.)

Carol of the Bells

2011-12-08T07:21:00.002-07:00

(and now back to our regularly scheduled Christmas videos...)

i remember singing this one for a concert in 6th grade.

how Dick and Jane can help an insecure writer

2011-12-07T07:51:00.002-07:00

pardon this semi-recycled post, but i thought it was appropriate (that, and i completely forgot IWSG was up today).

as a new writer, i thought i was going to write a brilliant story right out of the chute. and because i thought it was brilliant, it was easy to write. i didn't care what anyone thought, so the words flew out of me.

now that i've had a few more years of practicing under my belt, i know that no one writes a brilliant first draft. but when i start a first draft, i forget and try to make it brilliant again. that's where Dick and Jane, and this great quote come in.

I was fretting too much over that opening sentence.
I worked on it scrupulously,
thinking that if I could only get the first sentence right,
the rest of the book would come easy.
That was a big mistake.

Weeks went by with my staring at blank paper
and getting nowhere.

One day I decided to just start writing
in the style of the Dick and Jane first grade readers.
Simple little words,
without bothering about style or polish -
just to get the story on paper.

I started writing,
"There is a little town on a hill called Santa Vittoria.
It is in Italy. The people in the town
grow grapes and make wine.
One day, not too long ago..."
and so on. It worked fine.

Soon I was writing like mad all day long.
The pages began to pile up and I felt better.

Robert Crichton

when i get stuck on a scene, it's usually because i'm trying to write it like a semi-experienced writer. when i put that aside and write like a first grader it starts to flow. let me give you two examples from my work in progress.

i was having trouble starting my project over again, so i thought, why not just tell the opening scene like a fairy tale. so i wrote:

Once upon a time there was a good king. He dearly loved his wife and his kingdom. The people loved him and the land prospered.

it goes on for a few paragraphs. it got me over my writer's block for the opening. in the end, i liked it and i've decided i'm keeping this section. i turned it into a bedtime story for Kieran's daughters.

then later in the book, i knew i wanted to use a scene i'd written before about a fight in a tavern, but wasn't sure how to get into it. so i really did write like a first grader when i said:

Arathor was mad. He’d been mad before, but he couldn't remember being this angry.

now go off and pretend you're in first grade again and the only sentence you can write is "See Jane run away from the bullies. See Dick save her."

if you need more encouragement, you can find the rest of the Insecure Writer's Support Group at Alex's blog.

Mary, Did You Know

2011-12-06T07:21:00.001-07:00

this is one of my very favorites.

Emmanuel by Amy Grant

2011-12-05T07:42:00.002-07:00

i've loved this one ever since my roommate in college let me listen to her Record of this Christmas album. yes, i said record.

I Celebrate the Day

2011-12-03T07:35:00.002-07:00

crazy 12 Days of Christmas

2011-12-02T14:27:00.002-07:00

this was too good to not share. thanks to a friend on facebook for giving me a link.

Christmas videos 2011

2011-12-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

last year or the year before (i don't remember now), i posted several Christmas music videos. nothing like recycling old blog posts.

i love Christmas and i love music that goes with this time of year, so i thought i'd celebrate by posting videos of my favorite Christmas songs. let's start with this one by Ally and AJ.

bowing out

2011-11-28T15:47:00.000-07:00

your support and encouragement as i've tried to reach the 50,000 mark during nanowrimo have been much appreciated. having made it to 38,000 yesterday, and seeing that in order to "win" i had to write 3900 words or so for the remaining 3 days made my head spin. there's no way.

so it's time to stop.

which does not mean i'm quitting.

the whole point of participating this year wasn't to reach 50,000 words. (although some part of me still wants to count words for the next few days to see how close i can get. but i won't. i must resist...) nope. the point was to get back into writing my sequel. it was a way to get past the writer's block that's plagued me for months.

in both those goals, i was successful. very successful. the story is now flowing. i can see that there will be an end. not only that, i've had a great time writing it, not something i expected.

getting off the hamster wheel

2011-11-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

twitter, facebook, google+, blogging, book promotion, followers... all great tools for connecting with readers and internet friends, but they can all get to be too much after a while. especially if you're a Highly Sensitive Person and/or introvert. or if you've got enough on your plate already. or if you're just tired of it all.

wherever you find yourself, if you're feeling overwhelmed, here's a great blog post over at Shrinking Violet Promotions: A Social Media Survival Guide by Jenn Reese.

number one on the list...

1. Respect that everyone’s Social Media Survival Guide is different.
We’re all different, want different things, have different lives and different tolerances for technology and being social. Don’t expect other people to share your goals and priorities.

feeling crazy about the holidays?

2011-11-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

i know i do, every year at this time. "what are we doing for Thanksgiving?" (thankfully my husband loves to cook). "what are we getting the kids for Christmas?" "who's coming over and when?"

this year will be a little different. with only one family member in the vicinity, we're going to someone else's house for Thanksgiving, then having my uncle over for our own simple Thanksgiving on Saturday.

and as for Christmas, this year we get to cut a tree from our own property, so i want to do that the weekend after Thanksgiving. the cool thing is that our property is full of Douglas Fir, my favorite kind of Christmas tree. and the tree can stay up for a few weeks, which makes me happy to think about.

but there's still the temptation to do so many things. you know, you've seen the magazines at the check-out stand, or maybe they come in your mail. you can find articles on making amazing Christmas cookies (10 different kinds!) and coordinated holiday ornaments to cover your tree and ten course meals to serve on Thanksgiving and how to decorate every room in your house and how to make your own gift wrap and on and on and on.

and in the same magazine you can also find articles on how to diet, exercise, and simplify. i know they're just trying to market to everyone, but c'mon, they can make you crazy. you're like "I want to do it ALL. I want this to be a perfect holiday." and you can go around like the proverbial chicken with no head trying to get it all done. i know. i've tried.

i'm hoping for some sanity this year.

i think this article i read at the Brave Girls blog is going to help: The Brave Girls Club Guide to the Perfectly Imperfect Holiday Season.

one more thought on Dick and Jane

2011-11-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

apparently, writing like a first grader worked. i've written almost 4900 words today, unleashed the storyteller in me, and am over halfway to the goal of 50,000 words. there are still a few words left in these tired fingers.

smiling here.

writing with Dick and Jane

2011-11-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

it's a relief to have made it to 21,000 words for nano, but once again, i'm stuck, which means i'm trying to write something brilliant. time to remember this quote:

Robert Crichton

finally past 10,000

2011-11-11T07:44:00.002-07:00

yesterday i hit around 14,000 words. somewhere in there i'm sure to find something usable. hope my other nano friends are making progress.

on the importance of listening to Ernest

2011-11-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

thanks, Kristie Cook, for posting this on facebook.

"I write one page of masterpiece to ninety one pages of sh**. I try to put the sh** in the wastebasket." Ernest Hemingway

let's just say i don't feel like i've reached the 1 yet this month. guess i need to finish the 91.

my other blog

2011-11-05T08:23:00.002-07:00

i've started a new series of posts at my cowgirl blog called "outside my window."

insecure writers unite

2011-11-02T05:34:00.000-07:00

because we need each other. thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh, we can unite over the internet. i posted yesterday. to read other posts, click here.

now i get it

2011-11-02T05:16:00.000-07:00

when i lived in Arizona, doing nanowrimo in November never made sense. blue skies, temperate weather... who wanted to be inside writing? now that i'm in Montana, it makes perfect sense. gray skies more often than not, frost on the ground, snow now and then. who wouldn't want to stay inside where it's warm and write?

1300 words yesterday. i feel victorious at the moment.

yeah, that's me

2011-11-01T17:41:00.001-07:00

day one, no words. i think a giraffe can write better than i can. i'll just hand the laptop to the 2 long necks in my header.

and then, as i scanned the blog posts on my sidebar, i came across these quotes by Janice Elsheimer at Vicky Gaines' blog.

“If we have neglected to develop and use the talents God has given us, we feel incomplete, unfulfilled, unfinished, even depressed. We are ‘like new wineskins ready to burst.”

“God wants us to act with hopeful hearts, not to continually put off working towards our heart’s desires, not to postpone our artistic development and feel frustrated and empty as a result.”

“The fear of not being ‘good enough’ can keep us from using our talents and gifts, especially if those gifts have lain dormant for quite a while.”

and then... “Inspiration comes from God, and the voice that tells us that what we are doing is not any good (will never sell, will never be published, is trivial, is lousy, is keeping us from our real responsibilities) comes right out of the pits of hell.”

thank you, dear, sweet Vicky.

so i'm off to fight the battle. prayers please. it's been a very long time and i'm scared to death.

Insecure Writers - writing and composting

2011-11-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

with NanoWrimo starting today, you would think i would be posting something on the subject. it's near and dear to my heart. it's how i started writing. it gave me a fantasy novel to publish. every November since 2005, i've encouraged other writers to try it, just to get their stories out.

well, i'm not going to post about Nano this year. hundreds of other bloggers will be talking about it. today, i would much rather talk about garbage... or in this case, compost.

and not to be insulting, but just in case you don't know what composting is, here's a quick explanation:

Composting involves mixing yard and household organic waste in a pile or bin and providing conditions that encourage decomposition. The decomposition process is fueled by millions of microscopic organisms (bacteria, fungi) that take up residence inside your compost pile, continuously devouring and recycling it to produce a rich organic fertilizer and valuable soil amendment.

now you may be asking, "what the heck does composting have to do with writing, and why would she bring it up for her insecure writers post?"

it goes back to a blog post i read over at Shrinking Violet Promotions a few months ago on writing and bread. it was a brilliant post on how we each have to find our own way to write and how it's like making bread. but at the end she mentioned finding your own analogy and she suggested composting. and that got me thinking about all the words we write and how many of those are garbage, and how many are brilliant and still get chopped from our stories.

i'm not the first writer to compare writing to composting. Natalie Goldberg does it in her book Writing Down the Bones. yet, while she uses the analogy of how we can use the compost heaps of our lives for our writing, i'm suggesting that a lot of the writing we do can be used in the compost heap (which is not to say that every word we write is garbage, but even a large part of the brilliant ones have to be tossed out for the sake of honing the story).

i used to think that every word i chopped from my story was wasted. that led me to think that i had to write a brilliant story the first time around. i've found that my expectation was impossible. it paralyzes me so i don't write at all. but when i rolled this analogy around in my head, it made any writing i do seem important. the words i write today may not get used at all, but i can add them to the heap of other words i've written, good and bad, and that becomes the fertilizer and soil amendment out of which my real story can grow.

so my word to my fellow insecure writers - write. keep writing. every word you write, whether it's for your current novel or not, will add to the richness of your story. every word you chop from your novel will be a word that helped you discover what your story wasn't about so you could write what it was about.

something to tide you over (or make you crazy)

2011-10-30T07:04:00.002-07:00

as part of nanowrimo (which i keep vascillating on), i posted an exerpt, some stuff i wrote last month. i thought i'd post it here too.

Once upon a time there was a good king. He dearly loved his wife and his kingdom. The people loved him and the land prospered. But this king made one fatal mistake. He hadn't heeded his father’s warnings. The man he thought he could trust took over the kingdom. To protect his wife and unborn child, he had to flee the castle and go into hiding. His wife gave birth to a son, but to keep him safe, the king gave him to a simple blacksmith to raise as his own.

When the king returned to his island, his wife was dying. Giving up her only son was more than her heart could bear. The king did all he could to save her, but it wasn’t enough. He held her in his arms and watched her die..

He buried her on the island, and as he stood over her grave, he vowed he would never let his pride keep him from doing the right thing. He would do all he could to keep his family and country safe. Even if it meant dying himself, he would do all he could to protect those he loved.

“Papa, is that a true story?”

Kieran tucked the covers around four-year old Mikayla’s chin. “Yes, it’s a true story.”

“Did you know the king?”

“Of course he did,” Lydia said. She put her hands on her hips and gave Mikayla a matter of fact look. “Grandpa Thor was the king.”

“It’s a sad story,” Mikayla said.

“It is,” Kieran said, “but it has a happy ending.”

Mikayla frowned.

“Papa died and made everything right.” Lydia climbed into bed next to Mikayla.

Kieran gave them each a kiss on the cheek. “Your mama and I brought the blessing back to Teleria.”

“That’s why the Baraca and Telerians started to get along again,” Lydia said. It still amazed him that his six year old daughter never tired of learning Telerian history. “And why we can get strawberries in winter.”

Kieran chuckled and blew out the candles. “Strawberries in winter and so many other things that make life easier.”

“Will it ever change?” Mikayla asked in the dark.

“You never know what can happen, sweetheart, but no, I don’t think the blessing will ever leave now.”

Lydia yawned. “How do you know?” she asked.

How did he know? The blessing was something that was always there, something they could always depend on.

Instead of answering, he kissed them both before saying goodnight.

Genesis: a novella by Kristie Cook

2011-10-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

i'm coming out of my self-imposed ~~hole~~ break from blogging to bring to your attention a great novella by my dear friend, Kristie Cook.

"A father who reveals his truth. Twins who take different paths—one light, one dark. Angels who have plans for them both And Demons who do as well. So the Earthly battle for souls ignites… A tale that is over 2,000 years old, this is the story of the Amadis beginnings."

if you've read Kristie's first two books, Promise and Purpose, reading Genesis will help tide you over until she comes out with the next one. it also tells the history behind the Amadis and the Daemoni. if you haven't read her other books yet, this is a great introduction.

Genesis is live today on Smashwords for various e-book readers. the paperback comes out soon on Amazon.

found it

2011-10-12T13:54:00.000-07:00

someplace in the middle of all the boxes and used packing tape and disorganized chaos, i found my computer and it's now connected to the internet. there's great rejoicing here because for several weeks, we haven't had our own internet (just borrowed from hotels and grand parents and Great Harvest Bread Company of Butte). and weeks before that, the internet we had was less than stellar.

of course, my son, daughter, and i are internet binging for a couple of days to make up for our lack of web time, but after that, things will calm down a little and we'll get out more, meet new friends here in Butte, find things to do.

and then one of these days, i'll get back to blogging on a semi-regular basis, either here or at my Cowgirl blog, or both. thanks for all the words of well-wishing.

update

2011-10-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

we've nearly finished moving into the rental in Butte. still waiting on one piece of furniture and internet/cable/land line phone. and our dogs are with us finally. happy family. now to start living again.

i promise to post pictures when i have a chance. thanks for all your prayers, positive thoughts, good wishes, etc.

officially

2011-09-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

i now live in Butte, Montana. after 3 weeks of vacation, it's time to start this new adventure.

no i haven't disappeared

2011-09-17T07:22:00.002-07:00

i'm just hanging out in Big Arm, MT, waiting for my husband and middle son to arrive. a few days after that, we move to Butte.

everyone tells me to remember

2011-09-10T07:56:00.001-07:00

we all know the significance of Sept. 11, and though the events of that day were tragic, Sept. 11 will always be a special day for me. it was on that day that i was going to attend a meeting to learn more about adoption. it was going to be the first step in a long process to get our little girl. when news came of the attacks, we decided to stay home. we postponed attending for one month. and 9 months later, in May of 2002, we had our little girl from Russia. i can hardly believe that on Sept. 25, she'll be 10.

finally here and not

2011-09-08T09:43:00.000-07:00

after a great flight and a relatively short drive, i'm now officially on vacation in Big Arm, Montana. in another 2 weeks i'll move into a rental home in Butte, MT as we wait for our house to be built. i'll say more later, but now i'm off to buy more seasonally appropriate clothing. i mean, you can't by winter clothes in Phoenix, AZ this time of year, so we had to wait until we got here.

Insecure writers: writing and stress

2011-09-07T06:00:00.074-07:00

here i am, willing myself to write a brilliant "First Post" for the first day of the Insecure Writers blog hop and i can think of nothing brilliant to say. everything i've come up with is drivel. just like my fiction of late. so i'm just going to let it be what it is and hope it's encouraging drivel.

i haven't been able to write much of anything for the last few months. not that i haven't tried. i have a sequel to my first fantasy novel in the works. i want to finish so i can share it with people who've been waiting for it for months, and some of them for 4 years. i've made countless attempts at working on it. and they've mostly come to nothing.

and i know exactly why.

for the past year, we've been getting our house ready to sell so we can move to Montana. yeah, i think there might be some stress there. and i've discovered that stress makes the creative side of my brain go into a nosedive.

of course, it didn't help that on top of the move, i gave myself a deadline. i wanted to get the sequel out before we moved so i could have a release party with my friends here. plus i didn't want to let down my waiting readers.

it's kind of crazy when i think about it now. one of the main reasons i self-publish is that i don't like deadlines. they're just another form of stress. but i did it to myself anyway and that, added to the stress of getting the house ready and thinking about the move and all it would entail sent me into a "crash and burn" nosedive.

i don't like crashing and burning.

thankfully i pulled out of the nosedive before i crashed. to do that i had to let some things go. i let go of my self-imposed deadline. my friends will just have to wait. and i let go of writing anything for the sequel. *i* would just have to wait.

it wasn't easy. letting go of writing felt like i was losing part of myself. not working on the sequel felt like failure. but i couldn't keep going down the path of crashing. for the good of my health and my sanity and my family's sanity, i made the decision to concentrate only on the move.

you should have heard the sigh of relief from my family. happy mom = happy family.

letting go is what i've had to do with this post. i gave up the notion that i would say something brilliant and tried to focus on something encouraging. but here i am at the end and i still want to wrap it up with something brilliant.

instead, i will stop editing this to death and say -

when stress comes at you, give yourself permission to stop writing and just let life be what it is.

of course, if you're under a contract or you're trying to meet a deadline, this might not work. maybe one of the other posts from the insecure writers group will help. hop on over to Alex's blog for the list of participants.

the good, the bad, and an abandoned Star Wars story

2011-08-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

bad lines. we all write them. here are some from my currently-on-hold sequel that i felt like sharing. i wanted to use these to start a bad-lines blogfest or blog hop or whatever, but don't have the time, so if someone wants to run with it, that's fine with me. i think it would be fun. let me know so i can at least throw these in.

--The satisfaction the commander felt in seeing his enemies fall back over the second bridge was satisfying.
--He felt his spell of invisibility fall of him like a cloak.
--she had no idea where they were, only that she could see light somewhere in the distance, piercing the heavy darkness that had pressed in around them. not even the torches lining the walls had pushed back the darkness that had pressed in around them.
--the second level of the city was far less defendable than the first level.
--Silver light glinted off the towers that stood over the courtyard, blinding their eyes with its silver light.
--Lightning struck his enemies, throwing them into the air like chaff and then they fell back to the ground.

and then i had these good lines that popped into my head. guess i was a little macabre that day. my kids and crit partner helped with some of these.

--Jenna Malone had never killed anyone – unless it was necessary. Unfortunately, today was one of those days.
--Jenna Malone never killed anyone on an empty stomach.
--Jenna Malone had never killed anyone – at least not that that she could remember.
--Jenna Malone never killed on Tuesdays. Today would be the exception.
--Jenna Malone never killed anyone before noon.
--Jenna Malone had never killed anyone, except her husband.

if one of these catches your attention, go for it. just let me read what you come up with and give me some credit.

now here's the Star Wars story i started with one of them, but it's sitting in my computer, abandoned for now. (this was back a few years ago when i'd finished reading a series of stories with my son about the Clones. it took place between the movies Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. there was a lot of Star Wars trivia floating around in my brain.) and forgive the funny spacing. blogger hates me today.

My name is Jenna Malone. I’ve never killed on an empty stomach. Today is going to be the exception. It’s not that I enjoy killing. It’s a job – just like herding nerfs or working in Kuat drive yards or mining tabana gas. And I don’t always kill. Most of my bounties either give themselves up or slot themselves before I can subdue them.

But there are those few, the ones who just don’t want to be captured. And they’re too courageous or stupid to take the easy way out, so they open fire and then I have to pull out my deece and end things the hard way. Either way, I still get my bounty and that’s all that matters.

But this time… this time it’s personal.

I clench my fists so hard that I can feel my nails digging into my palms and I think I’ve drawn blood. I ignore the blood and the pain. Nothing matters now but revenge.

I watch the group of Mandalorians that just came into the cantina. There are five of them, two short, two tall, and one female. Under their helmets, I can’t tell what race they are but it doesn’t matter. A Mandalorian is a Mandalorian.

again, if you want to use this, let me know. i'd love to see what you come up with. maybe i'll finish it myself someday.

and here's one more i found.

I should have known he was dangerous. The steely glint in his eye should have been my first clue. And if I ignored that, the 2 blasters he tossed onto the chair in the corner should have warned me. But I’m stupid. I like dangerous men. That’s my only excuse for marrying a scoundrel like…

that one could be fun too.

alas, i must return to my work.

in which i talk about myself...

2011-08-25T07:42:00.001-07:00

again.

all for the benefit of my new blogging friends/readers/followers, because despite how it looks, i really don't like to talk about myself.

so...

if you're new here, and you want to get to know me a little better,
or you wonder why i don't use capitals on my blog,
or you're curious about what i like to read,
or you're bored and you need something to read,
you can go to my "get to know me page."

even if you've read it before, you might want to read it again because i've updated it today. and i added some of the stuff in this crazy list.

totally useless trivia:

§ i was once a nun. ----
ok, it was local production of The Sound of Music and i was one of the nuns in the chorus. after 2 weeks of sitting in the green room while i tried to do my homework for college, i couldn't watch The Sound of Music for years. the song "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" still rattles around in my head sometimes.

§ i went to Russia twice in the span of 3 weeks - once to see my lovely daughter in the orphanage, and once to bring her home. our court time for adoption was 15 minutes.

§ trying to read Russian makes my head hurt, but i still try.

§ in 2000, my husband and i, and some of our family, rafted the Grand Canyon. we hired a great company called Moki Mac and still visit the owners when we're in Marble Canyon, AZ. i would love to go back sometime.

§ when i'm nervous and/or around new people, i make jokes. getting people to laugh makes me feel better.

§ if you've gotten this far, you may have started to think i really do like to talk about myself and i was just lying at the beginning of this post. i don't. i try to get people to talk about themselves.

§ if you'd like to be interviewed here, i would love to interview you, but it might have to wait a few weeks. i hope the interview will be as fun as the one i did with February Grace a few months ago.

§ a few years ago, i did some great interviews with authors, like Siri Mitchell and Tricia Goyer and Carol Cox and Debbie Ohi (Inky girl). we talked about writing advice, writing books, writing etc. you can read the interviews here if you want. many years ago, i interviewed Camy Tang and Mary Connealy, but i'm not sure where the interviews went. somewhere in blog land. let me know if you find them.

§ i miss Bru. if she reads this, i hope she's doing ok.

§ i've lived in the same house for 17 years. yes, we're sedentary. but we sold the house a couple of months ago, and we're living in a rental house, then will move into a rental house in Montana. then i move into my real house. i won't be settled for another few months. i'm going crazy.

§ not having written for months now is driving me crazier.

§ writing blog posts is not as much fun for my brain as writing fiction.

§ in my lifetime, i've owned hamsters, cats, dogs, chickens, and a goat. who knows what else i'll own in Montana. horses? cows? pigs? snakes? more goats? more chickens? more dogs? another cat?

§ my husband wants to start a veggie garden when we move. i just want to grow flowers. and tomatoes. but tomatoes are a fruit. veggies don't interest me at all right now. but maybe i'll grow herbs.

§ my husband's the cook around here. i bake--cakes, banana bread, cookies, peach crumble--but not pies. the long line of family pie bakers ended with me. Joe makes the pies. glad we cleared that up.

§ i'm trying to be comfortable with myself. and to be transparent. i hope i wasn't too overwhelming today. that would make me sad because i also like to keep people happy. (working on that too.)

there. enough about me (finally).

how are you? what have you been up to? writing anything interesting? read any good books lately? something funny or encouraging to say? tell me i kept you happy. anything. i'd love to hear from you. comments make my day.

insecure? who me?

2011-08-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

oh yeah, big time. but not so insecure as to think i have nothing to contribute to a new writing group, started by none other than king of the blogfests, Alex J. Cavanaugh.

you can read more at Alex's blog, but the gist of the group is...

To share and encourage. Writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Those who have been through the fire can offer assistance and guidance. It’s a safe haven for insecure writers of all kinds!

Posts go up the first Wednesday of every month. the first posting day is Wed., Sept. 7. Alex says, "Let’s rock the neurotic writing world!"

part of me thinks i'm insane for signing up. i'll be flying out of Arizona that day. even posting once a month seems like too much because i'll be settling into a new life in Montana.

but here i am, the one who talks about encouraging writers, so how can i pass this one up? as i said on Alex's blog, i'll give it a go. if it doesn't work out time-wise, i can always bow out gracefully. and i might even surprise myself.

some great stuff out there

2011-08-22T07:10:00.001-07:00

i miss blogging, but life is still crazy. i'll be flying out of Mesa, AZ and into Missoula, MT for a 2 week vacation in 2 weeks. wow. so rather than writing ~~a brilliant post an interesting post~~ something you might want to read, i'll do what i've done before and tell you about some other posts.

Ellie Garratt is hosting a great Star Trek blogfest. wish i'd had time to participate (especially since we love Trek around here), but oh well. i enjoyed and agreed with the choices in her blogfest post, as well as the posts from Alex J. Cavanaugh and Margo Berendsen.

Christine Danek talks about Write On Con (which i've never attended because i can't handle anymore writing advice right now, but maybe someday) and she led me to a great post that compares the hero's journey to the writer's journey by Elana Johnson. when i have more time, i'll read through all of it.

and Karen Jones Gowan talks about Commenters, Followers, Lurkers, Posters, Retreaters, Returners, Rereaders, and Repeaters. a great post. i've been all of those.

my own prayer of serenity

2011-08-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

instead of fighting

against You,

instead of being

the silly woodpecker

with a headache,

i want to be

the lamb in Your arms,

resting and peaceful.

the canvas is huge,

and i can't see

what You're painting,

but i want to trust

that You can take

what looks like a

chaotic mess

and turn it into

a work of art

i never could have

imagined

futility

2011-08-19T06:45:00.000-07:00

when i try
to make things work
when i try
to figure out the details
when i get angry
over things i can't change or understand
when i fight against
the peace that God offers in every minute
i'm like the crazy woodpecker
who bangs his beak against the metal smokestack
on the roof, expecting to make some kind of progress
when all he gets for his efforts
is a headache

on letting go

2011-08-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

i just put up a post on my cowgirl blog on letting go of control and riding the rapids in the Grand Canyon... if you were interested.

time to let go and hang on (just realized how strange that sounds... oh well...)

what i thought vs. reality

2011-08-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

once i moved into the rental house here in Mesa, i thought i could jump back into life. thought i could spend quality time with friends. thought i could start blogging again.

my brain has shown me otherwise. i hadn't realized how tired my body and brain were. i have some long blog posts in my head, but my brain isn't ready to "put them on paper" so to speak. i haven't had the energy to meet with any friends at all. even phone conversations seem to be too much.

so i'm accepting the fact that i'm still a vegetable when it comes to thinking and i still need to rest. i'll get back to blogging and visiting blogs some time in the future. but not right now.

on another note, it seems my brain is ready to write. not my sequel, but something for me. a wonderful thing since i haven't written anything that's fiction for months. it feels good.

from novel to movie

2011-08-01T04:00:00.013-07:00

back in 2005, when i told my kids the premise of my story, my eldest son said, "if your book were a movie, i'd watch it."

to which i adamantly replied, "i don't want hollywood going anywhere near my book." after watching enough movies from books, i know better. granted, some have to be changed to work as movies, some are actually better (in my humble opinion), and some are awful.

as part of the Novel Films Blogfest at Scribble and Edit, i thought i'd not only list the movies from books i've read, but give you my quick opinion on which i preferred if they were different. (as a sidenote, when i looked at this list of novels that had been made into movies, i was very surprised. more than i'd ever imagined.)

Beauty and the Beast – this is my favorite Disney movie of all time and one of my very favorite stories. i much prefer the movie to the various versions of the story.

Ever After – this is my favorite telling of the Cinderella story

Batman – similar, like both

Spiderman – similar, like both

Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll – different, prefer the book

101 Dalmations by Dodie Smith – different, prefer the movie

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs by Judi and Ron Barrett – shared the same title, that was it. preferred the book

The Black Cauldron by Lloyd Alexander – could have been better, preferred the book

Charlotte's Web by E.B. White – different, preferred movie

Congher by Louis L'Amour - similar, preferred the movie

Crossfire Trail by Louis L'Amour - different, preferred the movie

Eragon by Christopher Paolini – loved the first book, and except for the dragon scenes, hated the movie (what a waste of film)

The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkein – similar, preferred the movie

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien –haven’t seen the movie yet, but i like Peter Jackson's take on Tolkien, probably will be different

Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg – very different, enjoyed both

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis – similar, like both

Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis – similar, like both

The Princess Bride by William Goldman – tried the book and couldn’t make it past the first page. love the movie

The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo – two very different stories, preferred the movie

The Two Towers by J.R.R. Tolkein – similar, preferred the movie

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen – Jane Austen’s books and I don’t get along, but i love the movies

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen – see above comment

The Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett – different, love the movie

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl – different, prefer the 2nd movie version with Johnny Depp

Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss – preferred the book

Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss – preferred the book

do you have the right browser for blogger?

2011-07-31T07:36:00.000-07:00

in an effort to find a way to get my followers widget to show up, i went to the Blogger Buzz blog, and though i didn't find an answer to my problem, i did find this post: Update on Browser Support

according to the post:

As of August 1st, we will discontinue support for the following browsers and their predecessors: Firefox 3.5, Internet Explorer 7, and Safari 3. In these older browsers you may have trouble using certain features in Blogger as well as many other Google Apps such as Gmail, Google Calendar, Google Talk, Google Docs and Google Sites.

they then give links to the various browsers so you can update.

i thought my blogging friends would want to know. i'm not sure what version of IE i have, but i'll probably have to update. the joys of being on the internet. sigh.

Blessings by Laura Story

2011-07-28T12:39:00.002-07:00

when one life ends

2011-07-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

yesterday i quoted my favorite line from Avatar: "One life ends, another begins." today i wanted to say why it's my favorite line. for those of you who haven't seen the movie, Jake says that line in the beginning, just after he explains that his brother, who trained for years for the avatar program on Pandora, was killed "for the paper in his wallet" and that he has to take his brother's place because their dna is identical.

what i infer from his tone in the narration, and as he says the quote, is that beyond grieving his brother's death, he's not expecting much. this is going to be just another job, and probably not a very interesting one, grunt work. what he doesn't realize is that this this is the beginning of a whole new type of life, the end of his life as a paraplegic marine and the start of an adventure he could never have imagined.

i used this quote on purpose, not just to say that my life in Mesa is going into the background and i'm moving to a new place, but to say, i know as this life here ends, i'm walking into an adventure that i can't even imagine.

"one life ends...

2011-07-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

another begins..."

one of my favorite lines from Avatar.

we're officially out of our house and into the rental house. this feels like a transition, a kind of limbo between the life i've known in Mesa, AZ and the life i'll move into in Butte, MT. a wood between worlds, so to speak.

that's about as philosophical as i can get right now.

on being sentimental

2011-07-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

to read my most recent thought on moving, you can go to my Cowgirl at Heart blog.

Novel Films Blogfest

2011-07-16T07:10:00.000-07:00

while perusing various blogs this morning, i came across this relatively easy blogfest at Scribble and Edit. any fest that has to do with movies peaks my interest.

you can get more details at Madeleine's blog, but the gist of the blogfest is to list all the movies where you've both seen the movie and read the book it was based on. she even includes a link to a list of all the books that have been made into movies. i'd had no idea.

seriously cute

2011-07-10T10:45:00.000-07:00

fellow fantasy writer and self-publisher Sarah at The Aspiring Sub-creator has gifted me with the Seriously Cute blog award. i'm not sure how those two words can go together, but hey, i'll just go with it.

as with most awards, i'm not sure where it came from, but here are the rules for accepting it. i'm supposed to list 5 books, movies, or tv shows i've experienced in the last year. then i'm supposed to pass it on.

honestly, this last year has been a blur, so i'm not sure what i've experienced. these could be from 2 years ago or longer. the brain is a bit muddled right now. rather than pick random titles, i've picked titles that have had some kind of impact on me or my writing.

book - Purpose by Kristie Cook. although i read the Twilight books and had to finish the series to find out what happened, i didn't enjoy them as much as Kristie's paranormal Soul Saver series. she puts a different twist on the whole vampire-werewolf thing and gives her characters a better reason for having a story. i enjoyed the first book (Promise) and found i liked the sequel (Purpose) even more. an added bonus is that i've gotten to know Kristie a little better and she's become one of my indie publishing mentors.

movie - Prince of Persia, the Sands of Time. this was just an all-out fun movie. the stunts were great and i love the character of cheeky but likeable Prince Dastan. he gave me an idea for a future character.

movie - The Adjustment Bureau. this wasn't a movie i would have picked to watch, but we were in our hotel in Butte and needed something to watch and this was on the pay-per-view menu. besides being a well-acted story with great characters, it gave me a huge plot twist for my sequel that i never expected but love.

tv show? - The Royal Wedding. more like a tv event. i didn't watch it and i even complained about Americans paying so much attention to it. but then i had lunch with a friend and she gave me her perspective. the part of the conversation that affected me was her talking about the juxtaposition of the traditional royals and the new royals. it gave me an insight into my main character, Arathor, that i'd never considered before.

movies - Shrek 4, Kung Fu Panda 2, Thor, Tangled, and Pirates of the Carribbean 4. these have been just plain fun and entertaining, which is something i've needed in the last few months. it's nice to let my mind get lost in something other than moving and making lists. i'm also looking forward to seeing Cars 2, Captain America, and Cowboys vs. Aliens.

i'll give this to these bloggers (which doesn't mean i think your blog is cute per se, but rather is a blog i like to visit). there are so many and it was hard to pick, and i don't know how many bloggers i'm supposed to award.

Abby Annis
Amanda Trought
Olivia J. Herrell

God and my coloring book

2011-07-10T07:40:00.000-07:00

i read a blog post today about control and God coloring outside the lines. it made me think of my life right now. i've posted at my Cowgirl blog: way outside the lines

also, i've decided to keep this blog more about writing and encouragement. if you want to follow my strange adventure of leaving the city and living in Montana, i'll keep those posts at my Cowgirl at Heart blog.

fears vs. dreams by TWLOHA

2011-07-08T16:47:00.002-07:00

Fears vs. Dreams from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

"If writing for others makes you miserable, why bother?"

2011-07-07T06:00:00.033-07:00

that's the question Alex J. Cavanaugh asked in the comments of yesterday's post. and he's right. why would someone who worries so much about what people think ever want to share her writing with anyone else?

well, i'm glad Alex asked because, really, i'd forgotten. when i went looking for the answer, i found a post i'd written in the past. i needed the reminder of all the cool things that have happened since i published Eldala.

~~back in Nov. 2007, when i'd first put out Eldala, i received an unsolicited "less-than-stellar" review in person, and i just sat there and took it even though i didn't want it and i was ready to walk away from writing...

the very next day, one of my dearest friends called me to say that God used the scene with the cardinal to remind her of his love. she also said the scene with the butterflies touched her, and that she'd written down quotes from my book so she could remember them later.

~~ one of my homeschooling friends in Canada told me that her teenage son, who had never finished a book, saw the cover and snuck the book out of her room so he could read it. she also said that she was driving somewhere with him, glanced at him in the backseat, asked what he was doing, and he said he was reading Eldala. and then he ended up finishing the book. wow. it's now his favorite.

~~ a couple of years later, this same young man (who is eagerly awaiting my sequel) asked me to send a signed copy to one of his friends in the states for her birthday. i was surprised and pleased when i received a card from her in the mail, just when i needed a reason to go on.

among other things, she said, "When Jessara accepted her responsibility as Malazia and eventually became queen, I found a new courage and understood that 'the only one that underestimates my importance is me.' Thank you for sharing Teleria with me. Thank you for the courage." i bring this card out when i feel discouraged.

~~ as if those reasons weren't enough to keep going, there's always the fact that my kids love my stories. my eldest son in particular loves to write with me. it's been a joy to work on Black Heart with him this time around. how many moms get to write a novel with their teenage son? i am so blessed.

besides all that, i've met some wonderful people i wouldn't have otherwise met if i hadn't shared Eldala. some of them have become treasured friends. as much as i've had an impact on them, they've had an impact on me.

so even though sharing my writing scares the heck out of me, i know i'll miss some amazing stuff if i hold back and keep the sequel to myself.

why i'll never sell to a publisher and a guest post at Brooklyn Scribbler

2011-07-06T06:00:00.021-07:00

this week, Lisa J. Yarde (a.k.a. The Brooklyn Scribbler) is celebrating "Happy Independents Week" by putting up follow-up posts to her series from last year on independent publishing. today she put up a post i did here back in December about being true to who i am. i thought it would tie in well to the follow-up post i wanted to do for "on staging a house and why i will never sell my book to a publisher"

all that said, i'm having trouble being true to who i am. this has been a difficult post to write. i know it's because i've been worrying about what people might think when they read it.

and therein lies the problem with my writing in general. i worry a lot about what people think. i'm very sensitive to criticism. i wish i could be detached and unemotional. i wish i could just "get over it." if i could grow the "thick skin" that every writer needs, i would. believe me, it would make my life so much easier.

but this is who i am. a Highly Sensitive Person. and many thanks to Olivia J. Herrell for reminding me of that in her post about HSPs. as she quotes Pearl S. Buck...

To him (an HSP)...
a touch is a blow,
a sound is a noise,
a misfortune is a tragedy,
a joy is an ecstasy,
a friend is a lover,
a lover is a god,
and failure is death.

i can't just "get over it." i can't be detached. my skin is about as thick as it's going to get.

but if i'm going to finish my sequel, i'm going to have to stop worrying about what people think. i'm going to have to ignore the writer's rule that says think about your reader.

the problem i've had all during the writing of my sequel is that i have been thinking about my readers. there are a lot of people who read Eldala and liked it (still a surprise to me). there are a lot of people waiting for the sequel. (it's been 4 years since i published Eldala. some of them have been waiting a long time.) i know there are expectations.

as i wrote the first few drafts of the sequel, my mind was plagued with questions.
"will they like the story i decided to tell?"
"will they notice that my writing has changed and will they like my new style?"
"what will they think of the story arc and the characters?"
"will they think i've changed Arathor and Tiana too much as compared to what they were in Eldala?"
"will they be angry with me at what i have to put my characters through?"

excuse my language, but damn. how can a writer, especially an HSP writer, be true to herself and her writing with questions like those pressing in on her? how could i possibly write the story i need to write when pleasing my readers is all i think about, almost to the point of being obsessive?

honestly, i wish i could be like my 9 year old daughter. she doesn't care what anyone thinks when she writes. she says she writes for the pure joy of it. i want to go back to that. writing for me and my kids was my mantra as i wrote Eldala. somewhere between the two stories, i forgot that. i thought more about pleasing readers than pleasing myself. heck, i cared more about what my crit partners thought than what i thought. (not to blame my crit partners. i dearly love you all. this is my stuff, not yours.)

when i got to the end of the last draft, i hated my story. when i tried to start the next draft a few months ago, i couldn't make myself write. granted, i was in the middle of getting my house ready to sell, so my brain was a little distracted, but i'm convinced that the ideas wouldn't come because i cared more about pleasing my readers and crit partners than i cared about pleasing myself.

what i've discovered about myself as a writer is that if i don't write the story for me, the ideas are forced. the writing is forced. i end up with a story i absolutely despise. so you can see why i never want to hand my story over to an agent or publisher.

now, i want you to know i'm not condemning my friends or any other writer who pursues publishing for whatever reason. i'm also not saying that writing for your readers is a bad thing. we have to write the best story we can and use all the writing tools at our disposal. i'll still submit my final drafts to crit partners and proofreaders so i don't put out junk. i'll just put up boundaries for myself as to what i want critiqued and what i'm willing to change or not change.

all that to finally say that just like staging my house so it would sell in a tight market felt fake and made me very uncomfortable, staging my book for a publisher so it could sell in the tight book market would be worse. i know i'm making assumptions, but having gone through this process with one of my dearest writing friends, i imagine i would have to make more concessions and compromises to keep the publisher happy than i'm willing to make. i would have to change the story to make it marketable, and although there would be parts of my story in there, it wouldn't be my story anymore.

if anything, i try to be honest in the way i live and in the way i write. to put out a book that's not me would go against everything i believe. maybe that sounds conceited or rigid or even narcissitic. i don't know. at this point i don't care. i know there's a story inside me that has to be written. i haven't let it out because i've cared more about the opinions and ideas of others than i've cared about my own. it has to come out sometime. it will never come if i don't write the story that i love.

more of Steven... er... i mean Kieran

2011-07-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

yeah, that's who i meant. one of my main characters. just because.

as Hamlet

as Ivanhoe

a Fourth of July in Montana

2011-07-04T08:03:00.000-07:00

i wasn't melancholy as i thought about this being the last Fourth of July in Mesa, AZ. i posted my more positive thoughts on my Cowgirl at Heart blog: something new on the Fourth.

just because

2011-07-03T15:16:00.000-07:00

i like looking at my heroes... here's a new picture i found of Steven Waddington that captures the essence of Kieran.

this is a screencap from the documentary drama Heroes and Villains: Richard the Lionheart. the link will take you to a free video of the entire documentary, which i have to say, i thought was very good. and inspiring. how many authors get to see the actor they've chosen for their hero acting (even somewhat) like their hero?

and now to tease, if you want to see an even better picture, you'll have to go to my Eldala blog.

i love random posts

2011-07-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

because it's so easy to just let the thoughts flow and not worry about ~~getting the post just right~~ conveying my thoughts in the best way possible. kind of like writing a first draft.

§ i just realized that the character i chose for my bullet points is the same character i used in Eldala to separate scenes, except that i used a graphics program, turned it horizontally, and stretched it both diagonally and horizontally. someone told me it was the perfect symbol for the Eldala connection.

just for something interesting, here's the divider i'm planning to use in Black Heart (same symbol, just using a font called Lupus Blight). yeah, the story is quite a bit darker than Eldala.

§ the reason Black Heart is darker--my son is writing the villain. he said that the villain in this one could kick the villain in Eldala down the stairs and take her lunch money. if i didn't know Brandon, i would be worried.

§ on a much lighter note... my blog needed a change but i didn't want to get rid of my giraffes or my background, so i changed background color. i think it looks cheerful.

§ sometimes i look at the reviews for Eldala on my sidebar and they still surprise me. stuff like "a good love story spiced with danger, intrigue" and "Keiran and Arathor both kept a little piece of my heart" are just plain cool.

and the one from Donna Hole that says "Eldala had me frequently fanning my heart between breathtaking descriptive narrative and the heartwrenching scenes of two lovers torn apart by fuedal responsibilities, miscommunications, and cultural animosity..." i can hardly believe that's my book. i had no idea i was writing a book with any of those things. i just wanted to write a good story.

§ i really didn't mean to talk so much about my book in this post, so i'm trying to think of one more random thought about something else... hmmm...i'll be glad to get out of this ridiculous heat. i mean 116? yeah, i know it will get cold in Butte, but i'll be so glad for the change. and real seasons. we don't get those in the desert.

on staging a house and why i will never sell my book to a publisher

2011-06-29T10:13:00.001-07:00

we called it a charade.

the house was perfect. fluffy, color coordinated towels in the bathrooms. the faded and stained green mess in my bedroom replaced with a rich, brown, plush carpet. tile and grout steam cleaned. new paint on the walls. refurbished kitchen cabinets. shiny granite counter tops. new drapes in the living room. all fans dusted. furniture and paintings artfully arranged. a bowl of lemons on the kitchen counter.

everything beautiful, spacious, clean, and organized. a perfect house. perfect for selling.

and i hated it.

which suprised me.

it wasn't the showing of the house that drove me crazy. it was the perfection, the staging. to sell my house in this tight housing market it had to be absolutely perfect. no mess. pictures and furniture in places i wouldn't have put them. paint colors that brought out the color of the granite, but colors i wouldn't have chosen. a house for selling but not for living.

yes, it was mostly "my stuff" the decorator used. my furniture. my paintings. my house. of course, there were also things we had to buy to make it more appealing, some of which i never would have bought. things like throw pillows, mirrors, candles and candlesticks. i'm not a pillow-mirror-candle person. never have been. but i knew the decorator was right and that those little touches would add that little something that might mean the difference between the house selling quickly and it dying a slow death in the waiting.

here are some pictures.

and all the hard work and staging paid off. my house sold in 6 days. unheard of. amazing. an answer to prayer. i'd do it all again to sell the house. but as soon as i knew it had sold, i undid it all. moved the end table to the side of the couch where we need it. took down the towels we weren't really using. put away all the extra pillows, along with the comforters my kids would never use. put away the wooden lemons.

removed the tablecloth from my table that's covered in signatures of guests and kid scribbles from years ago.

honestly, that was the coup de grace of the whole thing-- hiding my cool table because the decorator had implied it would detract from the sale. (as i recall, she looked at the table, maybe raised an eyebrow, and said, "I'll let you decide what to do with that.") the table embodies who we are in this house--fun-loving and free and a little bit reckless at times.

i thought i'd enjoy no clutter, especially after living with the mess of moving furniture and other stuff around while we'd painted and recarpeted and rearranged. at first it was a relief. the jobs were done. i could move through the house in a straight line instead of winding my way through stacks of stuff. i could see my living room floor and sit on the couch.

after living in it for a couple of days, it became uncomfortable. it wasn't my house anymore. there were no signs of life. no getting messy, no clutter. it was almost suffocating. we couldn't live in the house. it wasn't us. and the Gregorys, if anything, are all about living in authenticity and being real. maybe that's why it was so uncomfortable. we were putting on an act.

(when i looked up "charade" this was one of the definitions: a blatant pretense or deception, especially something so full of pretense as to be a travesty. it wasn't quite a travesty and it wasn't deception. buyers know you've staged your house. when we looked at houses in Butte, i appreciated the staged ones and didn't really like the unstaged ones. staging ours still felt fake.)

it wasn't all bad. i learned some things about decorating and arranging furniture. now i know what i can do in my next house and what i won't do. i know i won't put off using color on the walls or adding little touches. we won't put off those home improvement projects till the last minute. we'll keep the house a little less cluttered so it's easier to pick up when company comes.

the most important thing i took away from the whole experience was learning more about myself and what i'm willing and not willing to do in the pursuit of putting out a book. you may wonder how the two tie together or maybe you've figured it out. i'll post the rest of this in a day or two.

(the second half is now up: why i'll never sell to a publisher)

on saving a cat and and killing a phoenix

2011-06-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

i must be coming out of my fog. i started reading AND commenting on blog posts last night. i haven't done that for weeks. i just haven't had the mental capacity to do anything but the bare minimum of thinking. it felt good to get back to reading blogs. it made me want to write a post of my own.

but then the lists started running through my head again this morning and the brain is going back to mush. so rather than write an original post, i'll tell you about a couple of posts that grabbed my attention...

---R. L. LaFevers over at Shrinking Violet Promotions wrote a post that describes and reviews a book on story writing called "Save The Cat: The Last Book on Screenwriting You'll Ever Need." i read through the post, clicked on the link to the website that goes with the book and spent 30 minutes perusing the posts, especially the ones that applied the "Save the Cat" structure to movies. (the one on Avatar had my attention for quite a while.) not that i need another book, but i may end up using this to help jumpstart the work on my sequel.

---Deirdra over at A Storybook World described the Creative Phoenix Lifecycle. the part of the cycle labeled "Creative Murder" helped me understand why i haven't been able to write lately. i knew that the stress, fatigue, and unsettled-ness of moving have stifled the creative process in me, but i also realized that trying to write my novel for other people (a subject i'll expound upon in another post) has almost killed it. it's just nice to know my "creative phoenix" will rise again. ironically, that may be when i finally exit the City of Phoenix. (sorry. couldn't resist.)

the news...

2011-06-24T17:22:00.001-07:00

our house sold 6 days after it went up for sale. just waiting on the deal to close, then will have to move into a rental in our area July 26. the big move to Montana doesn't take place until mid-September. one step at a time.

huge sigh of relief.

i'll let out a "huger" sigh of relief when i finally get into my new house in Butte.

my current circumstances

2011-06-23T09:01:00.002-07:00

"We are continually faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluable problems." - Lee Iacocca

on weariness, death, and not writing

2011-06-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

as i read through blog post blurbs on google reader, i came across one that talked about how writing a first draft sucks. here was my reply:

i love first drafts. 2nd drafts are the ones that suck for me. but i'm finding that not writing sucks even more. haven't had a chance or the creative where-with-all to get to anything that even resembles a story.

having not written in months, i sorely miss the creative process and hope that in the next month or two i can get back to it. the weariness of all we've had to do to get our house ready to sell is getting old. on top of that, my mother in law passed away yesterday (expected but still hard) and we have 2 memorial services to attend this week, both of them two hours away. writing is one way i know to combat the weariness. not writing feels like another kind of death to me.

i know that sounds overly dramatic, but for some of us, writing is like breathing.

yes, there are things that are much worse. yes, other people go through things like this all the time and endure. yes, i know i can rely on God for what i need, but i forget.

prayers and positive thoughts would be appreciated.

keep going

2011-06-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

“Just remember, you can do anything you set your mind to, but it takes action, perseverance, and facing your fears.” ~ Gillian Anderson

it's true in writing and i've found it true in getting my house ready to sell.

"A Pep Talk From Neil Gaiman"

2011-06-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

for some reason i was googling Neil Gaiman this morning and came across this pep talk from the NanoWrimo website. it's from 2007 and i remember reading it at the time, even though i wasn't nano-ing that year. i must have been on the mailing list. anyway, i thought i'd share it here to encourage my writing friends -- and to encourage myself when it's time to get back to working on my sequel.

his Pep Talk is a good reminder to keep going even when writing gets hard. and we all know that it gets hard. just keep writing.

Wally Lamb on writing

2011-06-08T06:54:00.000-07:00

i found this yesterday. what a great quote.

"Write the story for yourself, investigate what your truths are, and then have faith in it and let the audience that's meant to find it find it." - Wally Lamb

which made me think of another.

"Forget all the rules. Forget about being published. Write for yourself and celebrate writing."— Melinda Haynes

the power of story - again

2011-06-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

i was bored tonight and re-read this post from June 25, 2009. since i have so many new blogging friends coming here, i wanted to re-post. it's a good reminder for me as well.

last night i was watching Inkheart - a story about the power of words. the main character had a "silver tongue" - when he read a story out loud, it came to life around him. the movie was a good reminder of how powerful our words are - but it also reminded me that stories have power.

that made me think of the quote i posted a few days ago:

"Words – so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become, in the hands of one who knows how to combine them!"~ Nathaniel Hawthorne

maybe you're a writer and you're wondering if your stories have power.

i want to tell you that they do have power. your stories are important. whether they are good or mediocre, they are important. whether they get published or not, they are important. whether you share them with friends or keep them in your notebooks or filing cabinet or computer, they are important.

your stories matter.

in my own life, i know that when i write, even if i'm writing a story for myself, the act of writing has the power to make my heart come alive. writing is more than a hobby for me - writing is my passion.

i have a quote near the top of my blog that says, "If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad." perhaps it should say, "if i don't write to fill my heart, i go mad." i know that i'm a happier person if i get to write at least two or three times a week. every day is better.

i also know that when i write and share my words -- as frightening as that is -- my stories have power in the lives of others. i've had people tell me that my stories have moved them, inspired them, or have given them the courage to do something they'd never thought they could do. many lives have been affected because i wrote a story and shared it.

if i hadn't written, and hadn't shared, my words would have no power at all.

(needless to say, as i pack up my house for selling and moving, i haven't had the time or creative juices to write. i miss it a lot.)

"It's All Fun and Games" blogfest

2011-06-06T06:00:00.014-07:00

i'm always looking for easy posts, and today my blogging friend Alex J. Cavanaugh has provided. the rules are easy:

On June 6, 2011, list your three most favorite games and why. Board games, card games, RPG, video games, physical games - even mind games! If it’s a game you enjoy playing, it’s worth sharing.

in my quest to break rules, i'm listing many more than three, so here goes.

favorite card/dice games - favorites because i play these with my daughter a lot.

Farkle - a game generally played with 6 dice. my daughter and i play with 8 because we get more points, and although there are official rules, Anna and i have made up our own. instead of playing to 10,000 to win, we play to 20,000 or 30,000. i'm still trying to figure out how to work this into my sequel.

Five Crowns - i played this one at a church party and went right out and bought the deck. it takes a long time to play, but it's worth it. the funny thing is that it's made in the Phoenix area. this is another one where we alter the rules.

Uno - i think just about everyone has heard of Uno.

favorite board game - just one because i played this with my kids and husband and we had a blast.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars Monopoly - this is actually the first Monopoly game my kids ever played and i don't think they'll ever play the original. i mean, why play as an iron or car that can buy property and utilities when you can play as General Grievous or Anakin Skywalker and buy planets and ships? is there any comparison?

favorite RPG/video games - favorites because i love watching my boys play these either online or on the PS3. i'm not good at navigating the games, so i just watch.

anything Lego - Star Wars 1-6, Indiana Jones, Batman... i'm even looking forward to the Lego Pirates game. i love the humor Lego put into these games.

Lord of the Rings Battle for Middle Earth 2 - a great take-off based on the movies.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed 1 - super special effects and a great story-line about Darth Vader's secret apprentice.

Tekken and Soul Caliber - these are the only video games i *can* play because all i have to do is push buttons, and as long as i stay away from the edge of the arena, i don't fall off of anything. my son doesn't play these with me often because, despite my lack of strategy (i just keep whacking at my opponent), i beat him about 2/3 of the time.

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2, Sith Lords - back a few years ago, i printed all the walk-thrus so my boys could get to the end. they played it multiple times, going light side and dark side. i liked the storyline. i think that's what really got me more into Star Wars.

Star Wars: The Old Republic - this one is coming in the fall and we've been watching the trailers for various characters as they come out. i'm looking forward to watching my boys play when it does.

feeling random, news about moving, and Kung Fu Panda 2

2011-06-03T08:04:00.002-07:00

(my apologies for this posting again, but blogger messed up my font size.)

Ϫ the lucky symbol that gets to be my bullet point today is the Coptic capital letter Gangia. i chose it because i thought it looked cool, then realized i should look up its meaning to make sure i hadn't chosen some pagan fertility symbol or something.(you never now what they might have included in your character map for Windows). when i looked up Coptic, i found that it refers to Egyptian Christians. what a relief.

Ϫ this post turned into a longer list than i'd intended. just a warning. but, hey, if you've got nothing better to do...

Ϫ blogger may be a pain in the backside right now, but i still prefer it to wordpress or anything else out there. after 6 years, they have me trained. or i've been assimilated.

Ϫ we looked for a house in Butte. we didn't find anything we liked. they all had flaws we couldn't live with--like the 5 acres all being a hill behind the house, or a master bedroom that was too small for our king size bed, or closets that only a small pet could navigate... stuff like that. we have options, one of which is building, but nothing is written in stone. i don't know where i'll live, just that i'll live somewhere.

Ϫ i haven't worked on my sequel for more days than i remember. i think it's been months. i haven't really written anything in the last few months. i discovered that my brain can't handle getting ready to move *and* writing.

Ϫ not working on my sequel is actually a blessing. if the ideas were flowing, i would feel guilty for writing when i have to be packing and getting the house ready to sell, and i when i would be working on the house, i would be yearning to write. the pull in two directions would be bad for my heart.

Ϫ that doesn't mean that i haven't been thinking about writing, and according to one writing friend, even thinking about writing is writing. story ideas are popping up all over the place inside my head. mermaids are at the forefront.

Ϫ i'm also thinking about several different blog posts, including how editing for the market is like trying to stage my house, how ideas have to compost, writing to be treasured vs writing to be popular, and how we all have to find our own way to write. those might not get written till August, but by golly, i'm going to write them. (and now that i've listed them, you guys can pester me about getting them done.)

Ϫ today is the first day in several that i get to stay home. there have been errands to run almost every day. it's nice to just stick around here.

Ϫ needing something to think about besides house stuff, i spent my free time in the last two days reading through stories i wrote for myself. i found out once again that, if nothing else, i can write to entertain myself.

Ϫ compared to packing, chores like doing dishes and laundry are a relief. even grocery shopping was nice because i wasn't having to make decisions on color or style.

Ϫ we watched Kung Fu Panda 2 the other day and loved it. what a great story. definitely going back to see it again.

Ϫ i wish i didn't get so attached to people. it would make moving so much easier.

Ϫ i'm thankful for email and facebook and Skype. it will make moving a little easier.

Ϫ i'm always amazed that people come here to read my random thoughts.

blogging confession

2011-06-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

so, all those lovely blogs i followed during the A-Z challenge -- and i only followed bloggers with whom i thought i might have a future connection because they write fantasy or they were a new writer or an indie author -- i can't remember which blogs they are. now when i go through my blog roll in the blogger dashboard, i don't know who is who. sad.

so if i started following your blog and you happened to follow back and you read this post, now you'll know why i haven't commented on your blog since A-Z. sorry.

i suppose i could go back to each blog on my list and figure out who is who and sort them into more manageable chunks or something, but that would take a huge amout of time that i just don't have right now. and the thought of dumping a large portion makes me feel disloyal somehow.

guess i should have made a list when i did the challenge, but i didn't. such is life.

what is Memorial Day exactly?

2011-05-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

the meaning has gotten lost, so i thought i'd look it up. here's the best link i found --
Memorial Day History

for a poignant tribute to the day, read February's post - Letters Home: A Song for my Grandfather.

back up your blog

2011-05-28T16:36:00.000-07:00

with all the stuff going on with blogger, i thought it was time to back up all my blogs - yes, i have several - and i don't want to lose any of them. and i don't really want to go to wordpress.

i'd backed it up before but forgot how. doing a search, i found this great tutorial. thought maybe my friends on blogger could use it too.

time to back things up.

to you, all my beautiful friends

2011-05-27T20:41:00.001-07:00