May 1, 2010

last line blogfest

last month, Christine at The Writer's Hole mentioned the Last Line Blogfest. i was intrigued, but couldn't think of a last line (from a scene, chapter, or end of the book) that i wanted to contribute, so i forgot about it. then i read about it at Abby Annis's blog the other day, and i still didn't think about playing along. but today, on the spur of the moment, i thought, "might as well," and started digging around in my 2nd draft for Blackheart.

now, to be honest, i didn't really write the scene this comes from. my 16 year old son did. i just typed it and tweaked it. he came up with the character and the motivation and the action. he's quite the storyteller.

so, here it is, in 2nd draft form, the end of a scene from Blackheart. (for more Blackheart tidbits, you can go here: Teasers.)

A horn sounded. By now the Baraca had probably found their dead guards. A hasty exit was in order, but rage still pounded in his ears. Dar’vosh was in the mood to kill something.

He ran down the stairs and stood by the window he’d entered. He lifted his crossbow, aiming at the first Baraca guard he saw. He pulled the trigger. The man dropped in a heap. Another guard looked at his dead comrade, then up to the window where Dar’vosh stood. Dar'vosh watched in satisfaction as the shaft barreled towards the man’s forehead.

A door opened from somewhere below. Dar'vosh heard the clomp of heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. He fitted another bolt to his crossbow and turned it towards the doorway, shooting the first soldier who came through. He slung his crossbow over his shoulder and wrenched his sword from its sheath.

The corridor was just large enough for two men to walk abreast. The first two challenged him. Dar’vosh parried them both with one sword. He cleaved one from shoulder to lung, and kicked the other down the stairs.

All the guards behind him tumbled down with him. Dar’vosh pulled one of his throwing knives and hurled it with deadly precision at one of the struggling guards. Dar’vosh leapt down the stairs, cutting and slashing as he went. Whether on the ground or trying with little success to stand, no one survived.

Dar’vosh yanked his knife out of the choking guard’s throat, wiped it on his tunic, and slid it back in its sheath. He ran through the entrance at the bottom of the stairs and mounted one of the horses. It screamed in terror and tried to throw him, but Dar'vosh controlled it with a heavy hand. He retrieved a flaming stick from a fire and rode through the camp, setting it to blazes. A man rushed out of a burning hut, sword drawn. Dar’vosh raised his sword and smiled.

16 comments:

Kristie Cook said...

Wow. Brutal stuff. Nice job. How fun it must be to work with your son on a WIP. None of mine are interested. At all.

Christine Danek said...

This is great! I can't wait to read Blackheart.
How fun to be working on this with your son. Nice work!

Ann Best said...

I like your writing. Very visual. Short sentences - good. Keeps the action moving.

I'm new to blogging, less than a month. My novel is supposed to come out in the summer. I'm hoping for this schedule. Even if I weren't getting it published, I would blog now that I've discovered how much fun this is.

It will take me some time to browse your blogs (I like your website BTW). Based on this one, I suspect I'll like them. I set up a blog last night for my disabled daughter. I'm hoping she'll write on it. Otherwise, I'll be her voice.

Happy to meet you . . .

Michelle Gregory said...

Kristie, thanks. only my son writes the brutal stuff. i'm more into kissing scenes.

Christine, i can't wait to read Blackheart either. when will that silly author finally publish the dang thing? Brandon and i love writing together. we're a great team.

Ann, glad to meet you. i appreciate the comments. short sentences and i get along very well.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Wow. I love the visual imagery - so powerful. You have a talented son! That last line is perfect. :-)

sarahjayne smythe said...

How cool that you worked with your son. He is quite the story teller. And that last line was great. :)

Roland D. Yeomans said...

He raised his sword and smiled. Great last line. Good, smooth action and pacing.

Your son has definite talent. And bravo to you for supporting it. Have a look see at my entry, Roland

KM said...

That was intense. The swords. The blood. My mind's spinning. ;) Good scene!

Susan Fields said...

Great stuff, here! And the last line is perfect. How cool that you and your son can work together!

Michelle Gregory said...

Shannon and sarahjayne, i agree, my son is very talented. we've enjoyed writing this character's POV.

Roland, thanks for the comments about the pacing. i'll look at yours now.

KM, i know, a little gory. glad that stuff isn't in my brain all the time.

Susan, thanks for stopping by. i'm not sure if he wrote the last line or i did. there's no way to remember.

Donna Hole said...

Oh yeah; what an awesome hero. Deadly and efficient, my favorite. I'm definitely sucked in to read on, find out more about this character and why he's reeking such devastation.

I'll have to remember to come back and read more on the link.

Michelle Gregory said...

Donna, did i mention this guy is the villain?

Lilah Pierce said...

Great entry and thanks so much for participating!

Raquel Byrnes said...

Very vivid and brutal. I like the last line, it speaks of more adventure and mayhem to come...and about how much your MC enjoys it all. Good job.

Michelle Gregory said...

Lilah, thanks. it was fun to participate, esp. since it was so unexpected.

Raquel, when we wrote it, i didn't think about how brutal it was. that didn't cross my mind until readers started making comments here. makes me wonder why my son enjoys writing this stuff. way too much Lord of the Rings and Star Wars in his past, i suppose. but he's a great kid.

Christine H said...

I only read the last paragraph, in order to capture the "last line" feeling.

Wow, pretty impressive! Yes, LOTR is pretty good training for this kind of stuff. He's really good, Michelle. And you're an excellent editor/storyteller, too!